Hey there! Creators of the Calm app here, the #1 app for meditative and sleep soundscapes. We know that it’s been a difficult year and we’re here to encourage you on your journey toward self-care and personal well-being. With all the external noise in life, it’s important to remember to take a step back, zoom out, and develop a new perspective. That’s why we’d like to recommend our new sleep-scape ambiance: 1800s, Disease-Infested London.

This auditory experience will transport you back to the simpler times of Victorian Era London. Set aside your worries caused by modern nuisances such as technology, automobiles, and the invention of antiseptics. Instead, kick back, close your eyes and soak in the calming ambiance of London under Queen Victoria’s reign. This sleep-scape includes the relaxing clip-clopping of horse-drawn carriages down dirt roads, the pitter-pattering of rainfall on thatched roofs, and the splish-splashing of buckets of piss being dumped out of two-story windows. We guarantee a restful night of sleep as you lay your head knowing you have the luxury of a toilet.

We want to take a moment to acknowledge that this period-accurate recreation may make some of our users uncomfortable. To that, we say: Good. That means you’re in touch with your feelings. Here’s a little exercise to help you move past this obstacle. Close your eyes, locate where the emotion is in your body, take a deep breath in, think about your house with its three bathrooms, fully-furnished entertainment center, in-house washer and dryer, and Costco-stocked kitchen, and then exhale. Although it may make you queasy to think about the cloudy expulsion of aromatic and, quite frankly, unhealthy billows of urine raining onto the sidewalk from above, you can fall asleep with the reassurance that this doesn’t happen to you. Score!

At Calm, we infuse our sleep-scape ambiances with a lot of love and care. In fact, our team of talented recording artists has paid great attention to detail to produce a period-accurate Victorian Era atmosphere for our users to completely immerse themselves in. If you listen closely, you’ll hear the rhythmic choo-choo of a locomotive in the countryside, quickly followed by the hacks and coughs of hundreds of British children suffering from violent cases of the Scarlet Fever. That audio was captured from recordings of an actual long-distance passenger train built in 1893, and also dozens of sick children. It was hard to watch, but we do this for our listeners to remind them of the privilege it is to be alive 125 years later.

Some sadness may come up at the thought of tragically-ill innocent children. Close your eyes, locate the sadness, breathe in, think about how you got a flu shot last week and take daily Vitamin C gummies coated in sugar, and then exhale. Good, you’re getting the hang of it. Focus on what you have and what others don’t, simply because of the era you were born into. You’re the lucky one!

This 12-hour audio journey begins at sunrise and ends at sunset on a typical day in 1895 London. To encourage gratification for your present-day conditions, we’ve rendered the streets unsafe at night by inserting the sounds of a 45-year-old drunken vagrant cat-calling you from a dark alleyway. Each listen features a different cat-call, such as “Naked ankle slut!” or “Cover those ankles, bitch!” or “I can’t control my inherently-male response because you’re showing your ankles! Also, you’re a whore!” Take a second to consider this and say “thank you” to the Universe that this doesn’t happen to you today. Well, the being-cat-called-by-a-stranger thing still happens, but at least you get to wear shorts! Celebrate the little victories! Things could be worse!

At the end of your listening experience, take a second to note how you feel. Relieved? Grateful? Nauseous? All of these are good signs. Take a deep breath in, focus on your guilt, and then get over it. If you enjoy the Victorian Era London sleep-scape pack, subscribe to our app for our next installment: 1943 Nazi-Occupied Poland. Your problems are microscopic in comparison!


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