Have you recently noticed a sharp mental decline in your elderly Senator?
As they age, it can become difficult to remove your Senator from an environment to which they’ve become accustomed. Convinced they’ve got another term left in them and bolstered by nearly unlimited campaign funds, the once-lauded septuagenarians refuse to retire.
That’s where the Sunnyside Senate Retirement Community comes in.
Our community is designed to help keep your Senator in a safe space while they continue to believe their decisions still affect every aspect of the country. They spent their golden years in the legislative branch of the United States government. Why not let them spend their platinum years thinking they’re still there?
We’ve worked hard to make the transition exceptionally easy. As your Senator steps off the floor for a recess, simply corral them toward the side door labeled “Free Hard Candy & Softball Interviews,” and we’ll take it from there.
Every Senator is provided their very own “office.” Each two-room unit maintains a fully functioning old-fashioned desk, green glass banker’s lamp, and ancient blue carpet. They’re also equipped with a sleeping area complete with an emergency button that pages the nearest nurses’ stand in case of a fall.
During the day, the Senators are free to travel throughout the building, affectionately known as the “Halls of Congress.” Whether they choose to spend the day debating the minimum wage near our replica speaker’s desk, gun control in the library, or healthcare by the pool, they’re sure to feel right at home.
- Meal service 3x/day
- Generous freezer full of ice cream
- Constituent/family visiting hours
- Canteen money provided by former lobbyists
- Free copy of Robert’s Rules of Order
- Same outstanding healthcare/free prescriptions they currently receive
- Physical therapy to excise fluid from bloated, purple mitts
- 24-hour gym access for those who still claim to run two miles a day
- Unlimited access to Twitter with optional autocorrect/spell check
- Weekly Bipartisan Bingo and Filibuster Fridays
As a treat when weather permits, we inform our Senators that an important piece of legislation holding the fate of millions of Americans is at stake. They immediately call a recess, and we bus them down a resident’s campaign trail to a minor-league baseball game.
Providing Peace of Mind
Each night before bed, the Senator’s attending nurse (or “aide,” as the Senators prefer to call them) tucks the Senator in and tells them a calming bedtime story to help them get a full four hours of sleep. Some of the favorites include praising them for their hard work, assuring them that the campaign coffers are full, and reminding them that nothing in this country will ever fundamentally change.
You don’t have to take our word for it. Just listen to these “retired” Senators:
“I’ve been advocating for a flat tax every year since 1986, and I’m going to do it forever.” — Richard S.
“People remember the last thing you do. I haven’t decided what I want them to remember yet, so no, I’m not ready to retire.” — Lamar A.
“Where’s Chuck Grassley? When does Chuck get here? He’s coming, right?” —Orrin H.
Call Any Time
We are ready to accept new residents any time the Senate is in session. Thank you for considering the Sunnyside Senate Retirement Community for your aging Senator. They may be far, far “over the hill,” but that’s no reason not to let them spend the rest of their days believing they’re still on it.