There are few things more erotically charged than air travel. The strongly phallic shape of the aircraft; the clammy, intimate confines of the cabin; the overpriced, implausibly tiny TSA-compliant bottles of alcohol – I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.
However, we all know that the action doesn’t get any hotter than it does in the sexiest part of the airport, the departure lounge. Why would they call it a lounge if people weren’t meant to sit around in uncomfortably small chairs thinking about rutting like feral pigs?
For all you thrill-seekers planning your next naughty weekend in the Sunshine State, here’s our definitive visitor’s guide to the sexiest airport departure lounges in Florida.
WARNING: These graphic descriptions of airport facilities operating under the jurisdiction of the Federal Aviation Administration are definitely NSFW.
7. Jacksonville International Airport (JAX), Jacksonville
Perhaps best known for its fancy daily flights to Cincinnati and Newark (like, calm down JAX, Jesus), Jacksonville International certainly knows how to get its passengers a little hot under the collar.
Check out the ceiling of the connecting atrium between Concourses A and C – ribbed for her pleasure? This frequent flier sure thinks so!
6. Daytona Beach International Airport (DAB), Daytona Beach
From the muted ambient mood lighting to the flirty, playful carpeting, everything about Daytona Beach International Airport’s departure terminal screams wanton carnality.
Please note, however, that the tangy smell of body odor and poor choices that permeates the airport has nothing at all to do with sexual intercourse. Nobody’s quite sure what it is. Just ignore it and take off those compression socks, my connection to St. Louis leaves in 20 minutes.
5. Sarasota Bradenton International Airport (SRQ), Sarasota
The city of Sarasota has long been known as a hotspot in the furry community, but the city’s airport is even hotter than a 44-year-old telemarketer wearing a Pink Panther costume that smells of stale cigarette smoke pawing at your genitals.
Several of the upscale retail establishments in Sarasota Bradenton International’s departure lounge sell a range of risqué garments (including men’s 2XL Hawaiian shirts and pink tank tops with provocative words like “Bitch” on them), and will you get a load of that aquarium! Tropical fish gliding through the water like a divorced mother-of-two named Tina sliding into a child’s paddling pool filled with Crisco. God damn.
4. Orlando Melbourne International Airport (MLB), Orlando
Not to be confused with Australia’s Melbourne International (if you’ve been, you’ll know) or the Major League Baseball sporting franchise, Orlando’s Melbourne International Airport will get your heart racing long before the oxygen masks descend from their hidden overhead compartments as you plummet to your fiery death.
Look at those tasteful, remarkably authentic fake palm trees. Where do you find palm trees? At the beach, duh! And what do people love to do at the beach? Have sex on it. BOOM.
The slippery vinyl seat coverings throughout Orlando Melbourne International make cleaning up semen and other bodily fluids a breeze, and the airport’s free, totally unsecured wifi is rock solid, making finding a trashy 19-year-old runaway to hook up with on Tinder easier than ever.
3. Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport (FLL), Fort Lauderdale
The moment you approach the check-in desks at Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport, you’re bathed in neon pink and blue light, which everyone knows are the kind of lights they use at sexy nightclubs in cool movies like Blade 2 and The Matrix. Once you get past the very brusque TSA security checkpoint (don’t forget to agree upon a mutually understood safe word beforehand, such as yelling “FREEDOM” as loudly as you can), it’s like wandering onto the set of Caligula.
Everywhere you look, this departure lounge just oozes raw sexual energy, like the glistening secretions of some kind of flaccid yet girthy sex worm. Horny, frustrated people waiting for delayed connections draped suggestively over small, uncomfortable chairs. Housewives vacationing to Indianapolis openly humiliating their husbands by leering at men trying to conceal awkward erections with newspapers. Shirtless, overweight men rubbing greasy hamburger wrappers over their bodies as they dance to Erasure songs coming from that Sharper Image over there.
Honestly, it’s a miracle anybody even makes it out of that place.
2. Miami International Airport (MIA), Miami
First of all, having sex in the middle of Miami International’s departure lounge feels like doing it onstage during the Super Bowl halftime show. The place is gigantic, like a towering, engorged phallus trembling with anticipation. Seriously, it’s like presumptively big. I mean come on, nobody needs a departure lounge that big, it’s just posturing.
Secondly, the vast, sensually curving ceilings high above you offer just enough open space above your writhing, naked bodies to make you feel exposed, vulnerable, and poignantly aware of your own mortality. Hawt.
1. Palm Beach International Airport (PBI), West Palm Beach
Given West Palm Beach’s reputation as one of the horniest retirement communities in the United States, it should come as little surprise that Palm Beach International’s departure lounge is just as depraved as the kinky seniors who live there.
West Palm Beach International is unashamedly frank about its sexuality. It has a golf course, for Christ’s sake. If that isn’t the perfect metaphor for Palm Beach’s reckless sexual abandon, I don’t know what is. And those large, comfy easy chairs over there? It’s downright pornographic. Be prepared to check your inhibitions along with your single item of checked baggage, if you know what I mean!