For far too long, our so-called friends and relatives have infiltrated our homes under the guise of the dinner party. They eat all of our food and drink all of our wine, in exchange for what? A huge mess for your wife to clean up.
This recipe for Steve Bannon’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie is the perfect discomfort food to let these illegal residents know they can go mooch off of someone else. It takes 35 minutes to prepare but deconstructs the dinner party in mere seconds, allowing you to restore the cultural and economic sanctity of your home forever.
- 2 sheets white doughy puff pastry
- 1 cup chopped white onion
- 1 cup chopped white or orange carrot (NO PURPLE)
- 2 teaspoons of white vegetable oil
- 2 teaspoons all-purpose ultra-white flour
- 2 cups extra salty chicken stock
- 3 cups chopped skinless, boneless rotisserie chicken (white meat)
- 2 ounces superior pure white plain cream cheese
- 2 teaspoons old thyme
- 1/2 teaspoon non-kosher salt
- 1/2 teaspoon white pepper
- Full pint glass of top shelf scotch
- 1 beautifully framed picture of Vladimir Lenin
*Other than the scotch, actual amounts are unimportant since there will be no eating.
1. Chop the onion and carrot. Size doesn’t matter, just make sure there’s enough to hit each of your guests with a handful. Pour the vegetable oil into a pan and toss the chopped onion and carrot in. Apply maximum heat and cook until the smoke alarm goes off.
2. Ball the puff pastry up and stuff it into your shirt to make it look like you have big muscles. Making yourself look physically bigger will help to intimidate anyone out of trying to fight back later.
3. Pour the ultra-white flour into a bowl. Grab several handfuls and throw them about your neck, face and hair to highlight your non-jewish European ancestry.
4. You’ve done some good work, so reward yourself. Grab the pint glass of scotch and take two giant swallows, as much as your mouth can hold. You should have scotch streaming rivers down your powdered cheeks. As the alcohol gives you that beautiful buzz, offer a silent prayer of gratitude to the picture of Chairman Lenin.
5. Take the rotisserie chicken and put it on a cutting board. Using a blunt object of your choice, destroy it as if it was the administrative state. I prefer the hand-held precision of a ball pein hammer, but a baseball bat or the heel of a work boot will do the trick. It is normal during this step to temporarily black out, only to wake up covered in chicken debris laughing maniacally.
6. Once you’ve thoroughly pulverized the chicken, throw it in a blender along with the chicken broth, old thyme, cream cheese, non-jew salt and genetically superior white pepper. Blend it up and evenly distribute the freedom smoothie into the appropriate number of glasses.
7. The onions and carrots should be a smoking charcoal mess by now. Toss them in a bowl and throw out the pan – it is ruined.
1. With smoke alarm still going full blast, enter the dining room with noticeable agitation. Place one freedom smoothie down in front of each of your takers.
2. Sit at the head of the table and place the remaining scotch in front of you. Pointedly mention that there wasn’t enough food left for you to eat. Bask in the silent tension as you finish the scotch in large gulps.
3. Ask if anyone is hungry. As soon as the first one speaks, throw a handful of the burnt vegetables at their face and ad lib something in the vein of “Guess I’ll starve, this must be your house, etc.”
4. If anyone confronts you, stand up and physically menace them by puffing out your chest and emphasizing your doughy muscles.
5. Those lazy thieves should decide to leave at this point. If not, an easy shortcut is to open the front door and tell them to get the fuck out.
6. As the subhuman mongrels self-deport, stand by the front door with a bucket labeled “reparations” in the unlikely case there’s a good one in the lot.