Here at Points in Case, we care a lot about fitness. And because the world of online comedy is filled with the swollest of the swoll, that means we're working with Dunkin' Donuts' new Dunkin' Energy Punch to give you the advice you need to get on our level.
It won't be easy. It means eating healthy, never skipping a workout, and pushing your body to its limits. But if you follow our advice, we can guarantee you'll be benching like a pro in no time.
1. Get In Your Squats
Squats are a compound movement. When you do them, you aren't just building your legs: you're building your core and your shoulder muscles too.
If you do just ten or fifteen squats a day, before you know it you'll have bouncers calling you “big man” and your middle school crush calling you “the one that got away.”
2. Use Sugar and Caffeine for Energy
Sugar and caffeine aren't always good for you. But as a pre-workout beverage in moderation, they can give you the energy you need to really get through every step of it.
Take Dunkin' Energy Punch, now available at select Dunkin' Donuts. This new beverage mixes the sugar and caffeine of a can of Monster Energy with the additional sugar of Coolata syrup.
Talk about a jolt of energy!
3. Go for a Ru– wait, is that really what Dunkin' Energy Punch Is?
Yeah, running is great. But is Dunkin' Energy Punch really just two things that are awful for you, mixed together?
I mean, I understand that fast food chains have gotten more decadent, with hot dog-crusted pizzas and naked chicken chalupas abound, but this just feels a bit excessive.
And if this is what it is, why are we letting this beverage sponsor a fitness post? Arguably they shouldn't be sponsoring anything, but come on.
I refuse to believe this is what it is, and I'm going to my local Dunkin' Donuts to check it out.
4. Oh God, It's True
I just got one now. Taking a sip of the blue concoction, it tastes like a combination of Sprite and broken glass.
Why have you forsaken us, God? Why have we allowed this to happen?
I've never done crack, but I imagine this is what it's like. It's disgusting, but I somehow can't stop drinking. The sugar itself is making neurons fire in my brain that I never knew were there. Who thought this was a good idea?
5. My Left Arm is Getting Numb
I finished the drink eight minutes ago and blacked out. I just woke up and my left arm is numb.
Listen, if you want to get in shape, drink green smoothies and go to the gym. This is a really bad idea though. Holy shit this was a bad idea.
I can feel darkness closing in on my vision. Hopefully this is just a temporary effect: there's no way I could drive now, and even calling an ambulance feels impossible. If this is the last post I publish and my family reads it, just let them know I love them. I'm sorry I would ever advhlfdas
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