4 Respectable Hobbies for Retired Hitmen
Between all the traveling and assassinating, it can be hard to focus on yourself as a hitman. What to do with yourself in retirement?
Comedy Writing
4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat
Four ways to trade those painful, meowy gasps for quality, pounding synths, whether you're a hip-hop head, a folk fanatic, or a sensitive Nancy.
I Asked 10 Doctors About This Thing On My Neck—Here’s What They Said!
"It's taking up a third of your neck and appears to have green veins extending from it. This can't be good." -Dr. Jennifer Miller, DDS
It Is With a Heavy Heart and Definitely Not Under Legal Pressure That I am Closing My Billy Joel Themed Strip Club
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
Six Ways to Get Jacked, Sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts Energy Punch
Dunkin' Donuts Energy Punch mixes the sugar and caffeine of a can of Monster Energy with the additional sugar of Coolata syrup. Talk about a jolt!
How to Tell If Your Teen is on Drugs, Or Just the Dark Harbinger of Legend
Sure, you may be worried your teen has succumbed to the latest drug craze, but it's also likely he's just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice.
Will These Politically Correct Millennials Stop Pointing Out My Character Flaws?
When I was younger, me and my other white male friends could have serious and rational discussions about things without being so easily offended.
We’re Out of Ideas Today, So Here’s a List of Rejected Article Titles from the 2000’s
We screwed up. So, to make amends, we're giving you a peek inside the PIC vault with a list of rejected article pitches from a far-off decade known as the 2000's.
I Used to Be Materialistic, Then I Got This Buddha Statue
I can't help but be ashamed of how materialistic I used to be. I guess I should just be happy that buying this Buddha statue on Amazon made me the person I am today.
How Great was Gatsby? My Book Report on The Great Gatsby
The cover of the book you gave us features a woman's face crying in the sky. Great men, even in the 1920's, probably aren't sexist enough to make women cry.
Just as Mark Zuckerberg Had to Drop Out of Harvard, I Too Must Drop Out of This Pottery Class
I know this decision has alienated a lot of people. And I'm sorry I shattered Bethany's clay pot on the floor while calling her "talentless swine" the other week.
How to Tell If Your Cat is Homophobic
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on. Uh-oh, it looks like Mr. Whiskers needs some tough love.