Well…crap. If you're reading this, we're sorry. We know it's our job to give you high-quality comedy content seven days a week, but I guess we just couldn't do it today. Maybe it's a need for new submissions, maybe it's the fact that we've lost a bunch of our regular writers since we demanded they cut off contact with friends and family.

George Bush photo

“So my buddy Tom at MySpace… he uhh, you know… we're beefing. Excuse me, that's Dick on the other line, I have to take this.”

Either way, we screwed up. So, to make amends, we're giving you a wonderful look inside the PIC vault with a list of rejected article pitches from a far-off decade known as the 2000's.

  1. If Puddle of Mudd's “She Hates Me” was About Dick Cheney
  2. The Nintendo Wii Sounds Like a Penis, So This Should Get Us a Few Jokes
  3. If Lindsay Lohan was on The Real World
  4. John Kerry's MySpace Page
  5. Why Being Voted “Best IMer” Won't Ever Seem Strange to 22-Year-Old Writers Who Look Up Points in Case
  6. Dick Cheney's MySpace Page
  7. George W. Bush's MySpace Page
  8. If Britney Spears was MySpace Tom
  9. If MySpace Tom was in Tom and Jerry and Jerry was in Lost
  10. If Puddle of Mudd's “She Hates Me” was About Al Gore
  11. Buy Commemorative Points in Case Wallet Chains Now!
  12. Now Accepting Submissions About Good Charlotte
  13. Great News! They're Making a Fat Albert Movie
  14. 12 Obnoxious People at Every Nu Metal Concert
  15. Great News! Venom is Going to Be in Spider-Man 3
  16. 50 Chuck Norris Jokes You've Never Heard Before
  17. If Puddle of Mudd's “She Hates Me” was About Condoleezza Rice

So, there you have it. We're sorry this happened, and will do whatever it takes to stop it from happening in the future.

We understand that a nostalgia-centric and derivative culture that exists only to recycle its own ideas can never move forward and create meaningful art and comedy on its own turns. For that reason, we take writing bold new comedy that reflects our time seriously.

In the meantime, we're holding another Best IMer Contest sponsored by Yahoo Instant Messenger!