It might not be easy to admit, but you may have a homophobic cat.
You see, advocating social justice isn’t always easy, and part of the challenge is being willing to call out friends, family, and pets on their behavior.
Before you put Mr. Whiskers down, though, here are some helpful ways to tell what’s going on, along with potential solutions.
Homophobic Tell #1: Your cat refuses to shit in his litterbox during Pride Month.
Uh-oh! Mr. Whiskers seems to be more than happy to poop cleanly and calmly the other 11 months of the year. But when June comes along and brings LGBT Pride Month with it, your cat suddenly starts shitting on the living room couch and kitchen counter.
What’s going on? I think you know the answer.
Solution: Give your cat a harness and take him to Pride.
This may seem like a bit much for your cat, but Pride is a way to immerse your cat in the beauty of LGBT culture. Have him see how far the LGBT community has come over the past several decades on a march that represents not just progress leading up to the present, but the march onward into the future.
By the end, Mr. Whiskers will think LGBT rights are “purrfect.”
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on.
Shows like Modern Family changed America’s perception of the LGBT community by presenting gay characters in a mainstream context. Some have argued that the show is an example of respectability politics, but at the very least it doesn’t seem acceptable to Mr. Whiskers.
If you’re watching Modern Family and your cat jumps on your face and tries to scratch your eyes out so you don’t look upon Cam and Mitchell’s sin, your cat may have some issues to work through.
Solution: Put tiny cat clothespins on his eyelids, Clockwork Orange style.
This may seem a bit harsh, but getting Mr. Whiskers over his ingrained prejudices is never easy.
Having him watch a few episodes of Modern Family while strapped to a tiny chair with tiny clothespins on his eyes will help him realize that Cam and Mitchell’s love isn’t deviant or disgusting, it’s empowering and beautiful.
Homophobic Tell #3: Your cat hisses when your neighbor's chihuahua wears a spiked leather collar.
This is probably the hardest one to deal with.
If your cat is actively aggressive to your neighbor’s dog, who is just trying to express himself and not even doing anything sexual considering the fact that he’s neutered, then he has some serious issues.
It’s safe to say your cat is a homophobe.
Solution: Feed him to a woke pitbull.
There are some problems you just can’t fix.