Hello friend!

Thanks for inviting me to join your #QuarantineCooking recipe exchange. The email says I have “five days to respond”—I don’t know what a “day” is anymore, so I hope I’m not too late! Here’s a dish I’m making with the ingredients I still have on hand.

Everyday Loaf

  • Start with a piece of sliced bread.
  • Place the bread into the slot of a toaster and push down the lever.
  • Wait until it pops back up (a great way to kill three minutes).
  • When the slice appears, toss it from one hand to another while chanting, “Hot, hot, hot” in a cartoon voice.

Hey, coworker I already almost forgot exists!

These directions tell me to send the recipe-exchange instructions in a new email to 20 friends. I no longer have 20 friends. Unless our postal carrier is now a friend? Except I don’t have her email. Also, I don’t think she’s really pausing her AirPods while I talk to her. But here’s a recipe I made yesterday!

Apple Delight

  • Rise before dawn.
  • While waiting outside the grocery for two hours, make up names for other people in line based on their hairstyles.
  • Inside store, eye other customers suspiciously, especially Baby Bangs and Nature’s Mullet.
  • Panic and purchase 17 Granny Smith apples and nothing else.
  • Hide them under the car’s passenger seat and return home.
  • Occasionally “pop outside to check something” but instead eat an apple without your family ever knowing there was fruit.

Hi, acquaintance from college!

Last time I heard from you was in a gun control debate on my Facebook page! During these uncertain times, I imagine you are well-stocked on ammunition. Please find below a recipe for my daughter’s favorite breakfast.

Ancient Grains

  • On a touchscreen tablet, push “Play” on any kids’ movie.
  • Immediately push “Pause.”
  • Place the tablet on your breakfast table and plug it into an electrical outlet.
  • Place an open box of cereal on the table.
  • Go to bed and hope your child takes the bait in the morning and lets you sleep late because what’s the point in waking up?

Hi Crissy XXX!

I’m not currently on the hunt for the services of a webcam girl, but I support your efforts to monetize your body during financial insecurity. Instead, could I offer you a recipe?

Major League Meatballs

  • Trade a roll of toilet paper with your neighbor Andre for a can of tuna fish.
  • Mix the tuna fish with oatmeal from your earthquake kit and an egg you stole from Andre’s chicken pen before daybreak.
  • Salt generously because these are gross.
  • Form into balls and bake at 350 for five minutes.
  • Throw the meatballs at Andre until he returns your toilet paper.

Hey Andre.

How did you get my email? Listen, I would never steal a chicken egg. That’s absurd—you need to have your Ring camera checked. Maybe a recipe would help you feel better?

Pagan Surprise

  • Remove wrappers from the leftover Halloween candy you hid in the back of the cabinet.
  • Place them in a microwave-safe dish and heat on high until the Swedish Fish and the Hershey's minis have amalgamated, and the weird licorice stick no longer has shape.
  • While it’s heating, stand too close to the microwave because you need to “be bad.”
  • Pour the mixture into Grandmother’s cookie-cutter tins.
  • Softly mutter incantations.
  • Hang the cooled talismans on your door to ward off plague.

Hey 1,000+ person mailing list from Carey’s art gallery.

LOL, remember when Carey forgot to BCC us all? Finances are tough right now. So I thought you all might want a recipe!

Virgin Oil

  • Open your laptop.
  • Visit WebCamMoms.com.
  • Search for the user “Cookin with Cass.”
  • Watch me make toast. It’s “Hot, hot, hot.”

P.S. Shout if you want to barter something for toilet paper!