Hello Mr. Obi Wan, better day’s greetings,…
I am Mrs. Princess Leia, I was finding your contact details from the Jedi human resources management database and happily decided to contact you via email to partner with me in a COURAGEOUS ACT FOR THE SAVING OUR GALAXY. I have chose to write you because my royal father Mr. Bail Organa is a fellow Clone Wars veteran who fought beside you. I will love you if you can remember these events. I will love you more if you can stand now, wield your lightsaber and say, “I am Obi Wan the Jedi, of helping to Mrs. Princess Leia,” then fly away rapidly.
Regrettable in fact, that I cannot say these words in a face-to-face manner, or even as a tiny blue hologram version of myself. Due to many frightful circumstances relating to galactic space evil, I must speak over discretely email.
You see, I and my ship are captured unfairly by Mr. Darth Vader, a known Sith Lord and MURDERER. I have been captured unfairly because of my dislikings of The Empire. You will understand this, I think. Again you see, I was being of spy for the Rebel Alliance, when one fateful day, Mr. Darth Vader was very suspicious of my truest loyalty and thus: captured me unfairly. I am now in a terrible prison! The conditions are scarce.
My father, royal Mr. Bail Organa, has a fixed deposit in the Finance Institution of Alderaan. It is a fund of 40 million credits about which my father always proudly said the following at a dinner table: “I will use this fund of 40 million credits to build a childcare center for less-privileged Bothans unless I am vaporized by Sith Lord Vader.” Quite unfortunately, in all likelihood, my father will be vaporized by that man. This has been weighing very sadly on me.
However, these 40 million credits will pass onto your taking, if you are to help.
As you are able to see, I am suffering: from what? From the Death Star. All indications say my home planet Alderaan is really going to be exploded by the Death Star. My Stormtrooper prison guards have advised me about this in a cruel, mocking way. “Haha” they will say to me. “You are being of rebel spy, Mrs. Princess Leia, look out for the most terrible death by a laser.” Each night before I sleep, Darth Vader will shout loudly: “Alderaan (your family) may not yet live to see next month, haha!” It is hard to listen to and I cry often. Darth Vader breathes loudly and hides behind a terrible mask of technology.
Never mind. The Death Star has reached a critical stage and will soon be finished. The Death Star is such a terrible laser weapon, for your knowing.
Again, I am writing you to assist me in getting this done: because you are Obi Wan the Jedi. So many fond stories of you; fighting Darth Mal, saving Gungans, laughs along the way…I believe you are so strong in the force as to understand my terrible situation of evil and help me in getting this done.
SO – information vital to getting this DONE I have attached in the memory of this email unit. With the information, bring it to my father on Alderaan name equalling Mr. Bail Organa. Again, my father is rich. If he remains un-vaporized, he should amazingly know what to do with this critical data; just say, “I am Obi Wan the Jedi, flying through galactic space because Princess Leia thought this data would being of help to make Darth Vader explode.”
If my father has been unfortunately vaporized, then share the information to an un-vaporized person of good standing.
These are the desires of my heart. Hence my fateful decision. If you are so incredible as to display interest in this COURAGEOUS ACT FOR THE SAVING OUR GALAXY, please forward your name, address, and copy of Jedi ID to [email protected] so that my father might rapidly file your ownership of his fund of 40 million REAL-LIFE credits.
Again, please decide to being of help to me Mr. Obi Wan. My mind has been convinced that you are my only true hope in these matters.
Thanks,…force be with you.