If a time machine whisked you back to the era of Aramaic and statement sandals, we assume you’d have a lot of questions, but probably none more important than this one: which Bible celeb should you date?

Back in the day, Jesus, Herod, Judas, and John the Baptist were the One Direction of the Roman Empire, with their feuds, alliances and grooming choices (OMG footwashing) leading to endless gossip, flame wars and fandoms, some of which still have active stans today!

So, which one of these sizzling liturgical papis do you actually belong with? Take this extremely respectful quiz to find out!


On a scale of one to ten, how godly are you? (Don't lie or you'll be thrown into Hell)

A. Six. I’m kind of godly
B. Four. Sadly, I’m covetous
C. One. I’m sinful AF
D. Ten. I’m like a #girlboss, but for God

For a guy to turn you on, which of these features has he got to have?

A. Big weird hands
B. Money, honey!
C. I want the adrenaline of worrying that he’s scamming me at all times
D. An unpleasantly political internet presence

What’s your take on evildoers?

A. They’re sooooo intimidating
B. Um, evil is contextual, imo
C. Why? Do you want to go hang out with some?
D. I think they need punishing … and I’m the ideal person to do it!

Of all the Gossip Girl guys, which one would you most like to stroke with your trembling hands?

A. Rufus Humphrey. I know he is a dad but he’s deadass the cutest one
B. Chuck Bass. He’s tiny and bad and I’m here for it
C. Carter Baizen. The actor plays the Winter Soldier and besides, I crave chaos
D. Dan Humphrey. I would just love to be lectured by him, in either his Gossip Girl or You incarnations

Your sister calls. She’s stranded at the airport with a big bag of melting ice cream. What do you do?

A. Say, “Gosh, what a disaster. Wait right there, I’m omw!!”
B. Ask her where she’s coming back from. Could it be that people are hanging out without you?
C. Lie that you’ll pick her up and then laugh about the situation with your three boyfriends
D. Curse a fig tree for basically no reason

What’s your greatest, most embarrassing fault? The one you’re in therapy for?

A. I’m so codependent that I don’t have a personality, instead taking on the characteristics of any random strong-willed person in my vicinity
B. I hate myself so much that the majority of my time is spent on bizarre maneuvers intended to impress an audience that doesn’t actually exist
C. I’m not in therapy; I’m messy, disloyal and loving it!?
D. I don’t have any faults, but I do have one major problem, which is the refusal of others to take my excellent unsolicited advice.

How would you describe your love language?

A. It’s the one where you like doing chores for other people
B. It’s the one where you scream if your boyfriend doesn’t spend all his time with you
C. It’s gifts. Give. Me. Thirty. Pieces. Of. Silver!
D. It’s words. I want to praise and be praised, ya dig?

Do you like hard fucking?

A. Well … yeah
B. I’m the kind of person who says that I do but TBH I don’t even know what that is
C. Think of it as my gift to you!
D. Sorry not sorry but I’m against it


Mostly A’s: You Should Go Out With John the Baptist!

John the Baptist was such a good guy that the New Testament says he's pretty much Jesus's cousin, both by birth and in personality. Is he as interesting, salty or powerful as Jesus? No, but he’s, um, fine. If you got this result, you’re kind of a basic bitch, but people like you because you always bring snacks when they invite you over. A lot of people don’t do that! Anyways, have fun wandering the desert with John the B. But be warned: while he enjoys wearing clothes of camel’s hair and lives on locusts and wild honey, he’s not actually a Burner and does not like dancing, veils, etc.

Mostly B’s: You Should Hook Up with King Herod!

Like Herod, the cruel king who ordered dozens of infants massacred in order to prevent baby Jesus from growing up to usurp him, you have a few jealousy issues. However, your psychotic insecurity makes Herod the perfect Chuck Bass for your Blair! Both incapable of trusting others or admitting that you’re wrong, your union will result in either the death of various cooler people or the slow, grinding destruction of your will to live. We’d advise you to chill and stop trying so hard, but we know you know that you’re not capable of that. Sorry, girl!

Mostly C’s: Drunk-Dial Judas, We Guess?

Um, betrayer much? Seems like trusting you is akin to signing your own death sentence! Neither friends nor family can trust you with their secrets; you'll spill them all to the first person who asks. Are you a Gemini or something? While your snaky personality makes Judas the ideal guy to bang one out with, we gotta recommend that you reassess your boundaries.

Mostly D’s: Jesus Is Your Boyfriend!

Wow! If you got this result, you're a very moral person who isn't afraid to offend those who happen to be doing wrong (even though no one asked for your opinion). Less concerned with popularity than ethics, your adherence to a strict moral code wins you many fans (among your mom’s friends). Righteous in your anger and disdainful of hypocrisy (in other people), some might call you judgmental, but if anyone has earned the right to be, it's you, Jesus’s girlfriend. We hope you have fun with that!

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