These popular Instagram life coaches have set out to help the women of the world overcome their most grievous insecurities, buried deeply under years of accumulated moral failings and subcutaneous fat.
Wife, Mom, Former Eater of Food
Ladies, do you dream of returning your curdled thighs back to their pre-pubescent taut of age seven? Have you stared longingly at models and actresses, wishing for their smoother, more toned posteriors since you became a targeted marketing demographic at age nine?
If so, you’re not alone! Through years of internet research in online chat rooms, I developed my program “Your Thighs Your Worth,” where you will learn, through a series of credit card transactions, the importance of eliminating food for a period of no less than all of your reproductive years.
And fear not, Ladies! If you’re having a hard time figuring out how to survive on Kombucha and self-hatred alone, that’s great! The whole of my business literally depends on it. To learn how to kick that pesky eating habit, click the link in my profile to book a free info session today! And remember, you can’t put a price on your self-worth, which is why I mention nothing in this post about the details of this dietary Ponzi scheme or the crushing cost of working with me.
I can help you beat up your pimples and yourself!
Certified Goat Power Yoga Instructor and Ordained Reiki Pustule Healer
You don’t have to deal with hormonal acne alone, but you do have to take responsibility for the fact that having it, especially at your age, is all your fault. Like you, I was duped into taking synthetic birth control for the better part of my life, a substance that slowly transformed my reproductive organs into little green plastic army men warring tirelessly against my gradually decaying insides, but never mind that. The truth is that your hormonal imbalance is actually a result of a deep moral failure on your part, and I can help.
Commit today to the exhilarating process of changing your life from the inside out. That’s right, book a free info session with me during the inconvenient working hours of 9 AM to 3 PM, and I’ll show you how everything you consume, touch, or have even so much as a pedestrian interaction with is throwing your hormones off-kilter, and also giving you cancer and AIDS.
Click the link in profile to learn how to get 10% off your first session with the code “dumbslut.”
“A mind-numbing, loving relationship awaits you!”
Do you keep dating essentially the same person with different venereal disease combinations?
Do you break up with partners only to find they immediately replace you with sweeter, younger, rather vapid, but let’s face it, more agreeable and pleasant versions of you?
Rest assured, these kinds of relational patterns, coupled with your hormonal acne and fat ass, are due entirely to the fact that both your brain, and overall personality, are liabilities and your instincts cannot be trusted. That’s right, women of the world! Your brain is an enemy combatant strapped to your neck and must be destroyed and reconstituted as a throw pillow.
Sign up for my Mindful-Less Dating program and I will teach you how to embrace a partially-lobotomized Betterself! With my help, you'll learn how to attract the partner of your dreams by silencing every one of your preferences and burying your heart’s true yearnings under a blanket of other people’s emotional needs.
To schedule a free Discovery Call, DM me for session times and an inappropriate number of deeply personal forms requesting everything from your bowel habits to the number of times you walked in our your parents having sex, sent one at a time to your work email.
The love you’ve always dreamed of is just one highly invasive, pre-frontal cortex incision away!