Dear parents of Our Lady of Constant Mourning's Catholic School For Girls,
We are pleased to inform you that we've found the best possible candidate to teach our Sex-Ed course. Up until now, Sex-Ed was taught by a mop wearing a habit. But we think we've found someone even better. Her name is Carrie White and she comes from the small town of Chamberlain, Maine.
After interviewing Carrie about her background, we came to the conclusion that she has experienced the perfect amount of sexual oppression and shame to properly teach your daughters about their growing bodies. She's also so full of passion, she kept saying she'd kill for this position.
Naturally, we wouldn't want anyone teaching your daughters Sex-Ed who has actually had sex. Ms. White is a virgin, she has never even kissed a man. Also, Ms. White understands that menstrual blood is a curse from God and not a normal, healthy sign of blossoming womanhood. When she got her first period, Ms. White screamed maniacally. She now understands she was paying the price for Eve committing the foulest evil: calmly taking a bite of a Fuji apple.
Ms. White picked up a unique trick in school for dealing with a menstruating young lady. When the chapter about menstruation comes up, she plans to throw tampons at the students while screaming “plug it up.” It goes without saying that the price of any tampons chucked at your daughter will be added to her tuition.
Carrie White is also familiar with the proper terms for female anatomy. Your daughters will learn about their “dirty pillows.” Even more importantly, they'll learn to cover them up as if their lives depend on it. Because with Carrie White, they do. Any girls caught revealing their dirty pillows will be sent flying headfirst into the nearest windshield. You know our slogan here at Our Lady of Constant Mourning: Better dead than bred.
Perhaps what sold us the most about Miss White was her stance on prom nights: She hates them. In fact, she literally set a prom on fire and caused a mass explosion killing dozens of teenagers at once. We hope she brings this incredible energy to Our Lady of Constant Mourning. Those girls never should have been dancing with boys. They definitely were not leaving room for Jesus.
In conclusion, we thought you should know that we plan to replace all other subjects with Sex-Ed for the time being while the girls learn the importance of saving themselves for marriage. Girls have to be chaste to learn maths. They have to be pure to say “Bonjour.” We're confident you'll support our decision. We look forward to introducing you to Carrie at orientation. Your little angels have so much to learn from her.
Yours in Christ,
The Administration of Our Lady of Constant Mourning's Catholic School for Girls.