Chris,

I'm proud to own the largest chain of appliance, television, electronics, and mattress stores in the country. It is my life's work. And it was all supposed to be kept within our family. Well, I'll have to come up with a new plan, because I don't have any children to take over the business. At least not anymore.

P.C. Richard & Son? I have no son.

Who in their right mind would turn down an opportunity to manage over 60 P.C. Richard locations? You. Chris Richard. My former son. I cannot believe you had the gall to march into our Farmingdale headquarters, and rather than claim your birthright, insist that you go to college for computer programming. We have plenty of computers here! But I guess the best Dell desktops and HP printers on the market aren’t good enough for you.

You've crossed a line, Chris. This is way worse than the time I caught you blowing marijuana smoke through one of our many competitively-priced air purifiers. Or when you treated the hand truck like a toy and broke it, making free curbside pickup close to impossible. This is an ultimate betrayal that you can't return. Not even with the original receipt.

Did you think the name of this store is just some marketing gimmick? IT’S NOT! It's my code, my honor, my purpose. It's literally instructions for how the chain is to be handed down. P.C. Richard AND SON. Hell, you grew up in the superstore business! You learned to read by flipping through the catalog! Your summer job was delivering air conditioners! Your first date was watching The Martian demo in the home theater section! This is a way of life that you don’t just throw away on a whim.

You could've had it all. You could've raised a family anywhere in the gorgeous tri-state area. Paramus, Bridgeport, you name it! Your mother's going to have a conniption. And I'll have to plead with her to have another child so I can have a rightful heir to the appliance, TV, electronics, and mattress throne. Did you know I met your mom in the store? She was looking for patio furniture and needed to speak with a manager. If I didn't happen to be covering the floor that day, you wouldn't even exist! Why am I telling you this story? You don't care at all.

You'll be happy to know I've already moved on. Gary will be promoted from Stony Brook regional manager to my son. And unlike you, he's thrilled for the opportunity. I've also changed our famous jingle that you created while whistling through the aisles as a boy, just in case you decide to sue. And finally, I'm re-shooting all those commercials where I say, “The only thing I love more than this Samsung smart fridge is my son.” Now there's NOTHING I love more than the Samsung smart fridge!

Well, go on, go learn about computers. Change the world with another stupid app! (By which I mean phone application, not appliance. Appliances aren't stupid.) Have fun trying to lead a long, fulfilling life without the profits of a northeastern retail giant massaging your bank account along the way. As far as I'm concerned, our relationship is permanently closed.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT P.C. RICHARD AND NO ONE! HAVE A GREAT LIFE!

—Gregg Richard
President and CEO of P.C. Richard & [redacted]


And now a quick joke...

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.