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I really, really feel bad about the fact that I destroyed your reproductive system like that. I wish I could make it up to you. You could take my child, if you promise to assume full legal responsibility for it. And feed it.
The time before the blunt is a quiet, calm period. We all sit in a circle and watch in hushed awe as the roller works silently. Finally, the blunt goes around the room. Puff, puff, pass; puff, puff, pass; like an Olympic track team flawlessly relaying t
Like all good parties, it's best to be sleeping in your own bed when they come to an end, even if it means borrowing your little brother's car and drunk dialing everyone you know on the wild ride home.
Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to 'get my pong on.' I don't talk like that!
Christmas-themed articles usually fall into one of three categories: Santa's real, Santa's not real, or Jews suck. This year we're going for all three, if you can believe it.
Sometimes a party is so super fun, you need to tell everyone what a good time you're having. What most people don't realize is that there is a code of conduct for showing your joy. Here are the four different kinds of parties and how to show your apprecia
<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own
If there is ever a zombie attack I think the staging ground or headquarters will be at a Home Depot. Just the other day I was told by a staff member doing his best impression of a deranged homeless person, randomly wandering around in a daze, that 'I don'
'A Totally Non-Fiction Sketch That Has Never Happened to Me, Ever.' Drew meets his friends Carly and Sam for some advice about a girl he has a crush on. What he doesn't know is that they got really high beforehand.
911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke “the glass ceiling” by becoming a woman in power?
Let's say you wake up one day and you're smack in the middle of the past. You need to know a few things, unless you want the people in the past to kill you, lock you up, or make fun of you.
Dear Humans, If you wouldn’t mind, could you please do me one favor: Stop yelling my name during sex. At first it was kind of flattering, but now it’s just ridiculous, and completely distracting.