It's not you, it's me.  Just kidding, it's you.  You've been holding me back.  I have inspirations, I have dreams!  There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies.  It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything.  It'll be easier without you.  I have to do things on my own.  Like fuck mad bitches.

I think we should see other people.  Like your smoking hot sister.  I can see that she's been eyeing me from across the dinner table.  And every time we had movie night she would always want to sit next to me on the love seat.  The love seat. We're friends on Facebook, so we're basically married.  Hahaha, just kidding.  But seriously, give her my number.

I need some space.  Without you, that is.  You follow me everywhere.  You always want to hold my hand and you're always kissing my cheek.  It's like we're dating or something, I mean grow UP!  Remember that time you came into the bathroom with me, and everyone started screaming?  Oh, that was me following you?  Whatever, I need space.

10 Playboy Bunnies
My to-do list is growing every day. Can't you see that you're coming between me coming on others?
Oh come on, don't do that to me.  You know I hate it when you cry.  Not because I feel guilty—because it's all messy and gross.  What is this, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?  Seriously, stop crying, it's making us look bad.  We're in line for homecoming tickets, you can't just start making a scene.  No seriously, stop crying, you're being a little bitch.  Just know that I love you.  Actually no, I don't love you; that's why we're breaking up.  In fact, is it possible to take back all the times I've said "I love you"?  At least give me half of them back.

How about this, if we break up now I'll let you keep the kid.  I don't want to wait another three months and have to deal with the birth.  Ew, talk about gross, just the thought of it makes me sick.  Besides, that's March Madness and Syracuse is the favorite.  Those hospital televisions never get cable.

Okay listen, I don't even have the money for these tickets.  Can you spot me?  I'll pay you back when I go to your house to take back all my stuff.  I'll bring a box of your stuff too.  Oh, but I should warn you, I lost those CDs you gave me, and I broke that camera you let me take to Europe.  It's alright, I'll buy you a new one.  Just kidding, I won't.

I'm sorry it had to end like this.  Actually, no I'm not, there's this wicked dope girl in my psychology class who wants me and I want to get with her as soon as possible.  ASAP, you know what I mean? Hahahaha!  Jesus, someone's in a pissy mood.  I already apologized!  Oh wait, no I didn't.  Anyway, we're breaking up.  And it's totally you.