10:37pm: I need alcohol in me, like, big time. I don't think I'm addicted, but I just really want to drink. Does that make me an alcoholic?

10:40: Answer: It makes me a college student. I'm relieved, for a second I thought I was an alcoholic. Whew, that's a load off my back.

10:56: What's going on tonight? Nothing? I once again regret my decision to go to a Northeastern liberal arts college. I could get high and play Mario Kart, but that Rainbow Road level really freaks me out, and I'm simply terrified of having a marijuana-induced freak out after falling off the level and into outer space for the 9th time even though I'm only on my first lap.

10:59: My friend Austin says we should go to a frat. Don't worry, he's being ironic, I would never go to a frat party. Nice one dude!

11:07: Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to “get my pong on.” I don't talk like that! No one talks like that! Actually, you know who does talk like that? People at frat parties! I don't want to hang out with Chad! Trey is a tool! Chase can go fuck himself!

11:18: There is such a long line out here. You know what, screw this, I'm going home. Actually, no, all that waits for me at home is a night of repeated masturbation. Okay, I'll wait. Dude, what the hell, that guy with a pink polo shirt and visor just cut the line. I hate him, but is it wrong that I feel kind of jealous?

11:27: I enter the doors of Omega Tau Beta. Okay, let's make the best of it. Beer me, brah!

11:28: I just remembered, I hate frats. It's clearly been just long enough from the last time I went to a frat for me to forget that I really hate frat parties. Should I turn around and leave? I could, but a large group of freshmen has just entered and they are blocking the door. I could try to barrel through them, but they travel in packs, and they would likely tear me apart if I tried to move past them. I'm a threat to their desire for free alcohol. For reasons of personal safety, I'll venture forward.

11:42: Beer, excellent! Maybe if I drink enough of these, quickly, I'll enjoy myself…or get to blackout drunk to remember that I didn't. What? All you have is Natty Ice. Screw it, I'm staying sober.

11:49: My one frat brother friend said he's going to get me some of the good beer. Thank God, I really didn't want to stay sober tonight. But seriously, I could stop drinking whenever I wanted to.

Keystone Light beer can on ice

Mooovin' on up!11:55: Keystone Light isn't special, dude! Ugh, this sucks. Can someone just roofie me so I can get this night over with?

12:07am: I venture to the dance floor. Surely some girl is drunk enough to dance with me.

12:31: I just realized I've spent the last 24 minutes standing in the corner, alone, laughing to myself. I'm never going to get laid. It is true though, if you rearrange the letters in frat, it spells fart.

12:46: That's it, I'm out of here. Maybe I'm just not the frat type.

1:03: I masturbate, repeatedly.