The following 911 call is real. It took place Tuesday March 5 between 2:23 pm and 2:27 pm. (Or some time around then. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. Oh what? You think that's negligent or something? Well I say to you this is a completely boring job. I just sit there and write down what time 911 calls took place. I bet you didn't even know that was a job. Well it is. 7:43: Person calls and says bear is in their kitchen. 7:45: Person eaten by bear. It's just not that exciting. Anyway, where was I?)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent (or in some cases, the guilty) or maybe I just forgot their names, okay?! Are you happy? I'll admit it. I forgot. I forgot the woman's name. Does that make me a horrible person? Maybe. Does that make me a criminal? Probably not. Although I did light a duck on fire once… which is probably a crime. (Unless you're in Kentucky…I have now alienated the entire state of Kentucky…maybe if they would just accept ducks I wouldn't have to.)

What was I talking about? Just read it.

911 OPERATOR: 911, what is your emergency?

WOMAN: I've broken the glass ceiling! Please help!

911 OPERATOR: What broke, ma'am?

WOMAN: The glass ceiling! Oh god! There's blood everywhere!

COWORKER: She just had to become CEO! Now Wilson has a piece of glass in his aorta!

911 OPERATOR: I don't understand what you mean. You broke some glass? What?

Woman holding sledgehammer under glass ceiling
"Hmmm, which one do I want to bang first?"
WOMAN: I'm now the CEO of Intellicom. Mary Wright, the woman before me left some cracks in it, but I had no idea I would break it. You have to send an ambulance now!

911 OPERATOR: I'm having a really hard time understanding what you're talking about.

MALE COWORKER: Ahh! I have glass shards in my eye!

WOMAN: Tom has glass shards in his eye! For the love of god please send some help!

911 OPERATOR: Uh, ma'am, please stay on the line while I ask a coworker if you're speaking literally or metaphorically.

ANOTHER MALE COWORKER: Why did we have to have a female CEO?! Now I will never meet my grandchildren!

ANOTHER COWORKER: So much blood!

FEMALE COWORKER: I just want to die!

911 COWORKER: Ma'am, my colleague and I can't decide: Did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke "the glass ceiling" by becoming a woman in power?

MALE COWORKER: Why are you not sending an ambulance?!

The conversation goes on for a while but I didn't listen because blood gives me the willies. I probably shouldn't work for the 911 Emergency Center. But I think I got the gist of it. The CEO lady was like, "Ahh, we're all dying. Please, for the love of god send an ambulance instead of questioning me about my grammar. Blah, blah, blah, there are people dying all around me…blah blah blah…oh the horror, oh the horror."

It continues on like this for a while. And then I just flat out stopped listening. I think everyone died but I don't really know. Maybe they all lived. Stop questioning me!

Read more politically incorrect humor in Brie's previous examination of why “rabbits” don't necessarily make lazy, terrible workers.