I'm a bottle of wine in and I still can't come up with a Christmas article worth writing. The problem is that Christmas-themed articles usually fall into one of three categories: they're either feel-good reaffirmations of the greatness of this holiday (Santa's real!), depressing deconstructions of the socio-normative constructs that lead us to believe in the greatness of this holiday (Santa's not real!), or all-out hating on the Jewish faith (Jews suck!), the latter representing the largest of the three.

Articles of the first type generally start with a jaded narrator who just can't get laid at holiday parties, no matter how ugly his sweater. Through a "cheap plot device," also known as a "Christmas miracle," he gets a middlin' to decent blowjob and his faith in the goodness of man is restored. Boring.

Santa Claus tombstone and crying boy
Okay, fine, it was Santa who died for this article, not Jesus. How do you feel now, huh? Now that you made the kid cry? Go fuck yourself, Christmas killer.
Articles of the second type start off the exact opposite way, with a main character whose Christmas spirit is unshakeable, a person who shits stockings and ejaculates ornaments (worst superpower ever). However, as the story progresses, things start to fall apart: their dysfunctional family finally gets to them, they find themselves at odds with their spouse, and Nicholas Cage makes another movie. Finally, they realize that Christmas is just another opportunity for all their loved ones to come together and fight amongst themselves and that Nicholas Cage is only like 50 years old, which means he has a shitload of time to keep making movies. Their cat dies and they drink themselves retarded. Boring.

Articles of the last type start with, "Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all Jews but…" and often ends with, "…but seriously, six million? That has to be exaggerated." Awesome, but you'll never get a job in finance and banks will stop issuing you credit cards.

Christmas is really just like any other holiday: fun on paper but a shitshow in real life.The truth is, Christmas is a confusing holiday. It's full of contradictions and misconceptions, much like the usage of the phrase, "By God I'm going to rape you silly," during sex, and the resulting abortion. There are no fast and hard rules about how to celebrate. For the college going crowd, it's just another reason for us to dress up like idiots, drink until we can't feel, and try to fuck one another. For people in the real world, it's pretty much the same thing, only you can't be as obvious about it. On second thought, Christmas is pretty simple.

Christmas is really just like any other holiday: fun on paper but a shitshow in real life. (Except Arbor Day. Arbor Day always goes off without a hitch.) For a while you're swaying in time with Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," and just a few short beats later it's John Denver's "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk on Christmas)." One moment you're happily hanging up the stockings with care and the next moment "Bangkok Dangerous II: Nicholas Cage Is Still Wearing A Shitty Toupee" is scheduled for release in 2010.

But at the end of the day, Christmas is still a holiday to look forward to. It's got lights, presents, and your kind-of-hot second cousin from Kansas. It's also got tension, stress, and a leering second uncle from Kansas. So really it's what you make of it. Listen to that optimist in you and you'll end up being disappointed when your dad pukes in the fireplace. Give in to the pessimist and you'll never realize that being second cousins is almost like not being related at all.

But there's definitely one thing we can all agree on: six million is way too high a figure. It's probably more like one, one and a half million.


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