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This is for all you "I'm a better fan than you are because I was a fan when the team sucked" people: get over yourselves.
The number one rule of bullshitting: If you know you don't have the tools or experience, think of someone who does and pretend to be them.
Some people might accuse you of wasting your time in the gym. There are rules to follow, after all. Rules set by bigger men... and scary women.
Women, you will painfully observe the slow process men go though as they reach the point where they no longer try to win you over. Men, there's always Viagra.
There are three things I really hate in life: making unprotected left hand turns, Dr. Meredith Grey, and diets. But I guess I have to do all three at some point.
You can pour pilsner into your mouth at whatever angle you want, and nobody from society is gonna judge you. Nobody is watching. Nobody cares.
Fortunately, there are some equations out there that don't conjure up bad memories of wetting yourself during a math test, and I've got them here!
I'm not offended every time someone says "Christmas" to me just because that's not my thing. I'm the type of atheist who doesn't give a shit, and you shouldn't either.
If father and mother ever knew that I met Mr. Oxford at a seedy dive bar, or that I allowed him to kiss me on the cheek that night, they would never look at me again!
Are you into rum, whiskey, or vodka? What about after it's been poured over the breasts of super models? You don't have any more questions, right?
If you don’t have any friends, you must forward this to 80,000 people in 57 seconds or else a horned leprechaun will appear and shoot you in the penis with a nail gun.
My wife is American and I'm an immigrant from Eastern Europe. Most of you will think that immigrants in this country have got it going on. I used to think so, too.