1. You no longer care if you spill food on yourself.
You're sitting at home watching your favorite TV show, "Incestuous, Hyperventilating, Manic-Depressive, Lesbian Astronauts Who Form Homo-Erotic Love Triangles That Result in Murder," when suddenly you notice that you've spilled part of your favorite snack all over your crotch. Your favorite snack happens to be oatmeal and kimchi, so now it looks like you had an explosive, bloody orgasm all over yourself.
You look down and think, "Oh my God, that looks terrible! I should really clean that up. If anybody saw this, I would be so embarrassed, and— AH, FUCK IT! Who cares. The moon orgy scene is coming up anyway…."
2. You become the "asshole" you always complained about when you worked in customer service.
At this point, you've probably already worked two or three customer service jobs, and you already know what assholes people can be. However, as you get older, and as your horrible memories of working in customer service begin to slowly fade away, you will oddly find yourself in their position someday… frustrated, unhappy, and bored.
Don't be surprised if you're sitting in a casino, middle-aged, divorced, and all pissed off because you lost $250 and didn't win anything back. Before you know it, you'll complain that the casino janitors are using special wrenches to tighten the slot machines, and get upset that your attempts to seduce the trampy-looking cocktail waitress didn't work. To get revenge, you'll probably end up eating two or three servings of Mexican-fried chili beans, then washing it down with five Bloody Marys before taking a huge shit on the restroom floor. The casino janitors will scream, cry, and vomit as they attempt to clean up the horrific mess you made for a mere $8 an hour as you fill out the customer service complaint form on your way out… YOU BASTARD!
3. (For men) You begin to care less about impressing women.
When I was young, happy, naïve, and full of hope, I would always dress up in my finest before going out. I tried to present my best appearance in hopes of attracting a female. And if a good-looking female did happen to approach me, I often reacted in the following manner:
"Who is this gorgeous sapphire who has graced me with the radiant power of her heavenly presence? My heart trembles as she draws near, and I can only beg for mercy before my willpower is completely subdued by her ravishing figure and the sweet femininity of her voice. I was truly happier in my solitude, for now I feel heart-wrenching desperation and deep yearning. I may soon release a torrential rainfall of tears as the unrelenting seductive power of her ravenous beauty floods my weak and helpless soul with raging agony and endless desire. If I had only known that this magnificent angel was going to approach me at this particular moment in time, I would have spent my entire life trying to be a better man."
But now that I'm a bit older, things are different. Most Friday nights, I usually find myself unshaven, wearing sweatpants with a blissfully numb and expressionless look on my face as I order my seventh beer and open my fourth pack of cigarettes at some bar called "The Broken Horseshoe." If approached by a woman, I now have this reaction:
"Honey, I just want to drink my beer. Whatever you have to say, please make it quick. My back hurts, and I need to go home and take a shit. If I really want sex, I'm going to do the decent and proper thing, and I'm going to pay for it. Now, what the hell do you want?"
Right, I know what you're thinking. You probably think that I'm nothing more than a maladjusted, lonely, angry, hate-filled, psychologically unbalanced, emotionally crippled, hyperactive, brooding, narcissistic, chain-smoking, iconoclastic nihilist who drinks way too much and is really bad with women. Well, that's just not true….
Here's the police report of what I did last weekend after drinking too much:
Here's a collection of love letters I've saved over the years:
And here's a steamy romance novel I wrote based on my own experiences:
4. (For women) Men no longer try to impress you as they slowly begin to stop caring…about everything.
Women, I'm sorry to say this, but you will have to painfully observe the slow but inevitable process men go though as they reach the point where they no longer try to impress you or win you over. Any fading hope you may have for a romantic life will soon crumble and swirl around in a hopeless fashion before disappearing completely… like a giant turd snapping in half while being flushed down the toilet.
You will end up marrying some asshole you dated in your 20's, most likely producing at least two very ugly and worthless children for him. All the nice guys you turned down will have moved on to better lives, and before you know it, you'll find yourself bringing home a greasy bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken to an overweight, out-of shape husband who watches football all the time while wearing a hat that says "Fuck It" and a t-shirt that says "Real Tires are Made in Ohio."
And if there truly is no God, you'll be wearing a t-shirt that says "My Husband Farts All the Time…Why Can't I?"
5. You begin to notice that your education didn't mean anything.
You're stressed out all the time, the workload is always increasing, and deadlines are approaching faster and faster. No matter how much you do, you just can't seem to stay on top of things. You went to college, you studied, and you got your degree. So why is your life so stressful? BECAUSE YOUR EDUCATION TRAINED YOU FOR THIS!
Your education taught you how to balance an incredibly heavy, extremely unfair, and ever-increasing workload under the pressure of tighter and tighter deadlines. It taught you how to do all of this while paying outrageous fees for tuition and books (and most importantly) without asking questions.
You never could figure out why the university made you take that one course requiring you to solve mathematical equations while blowing a glass dildo as you dangled from a helicopter that was spiraling out of control and about to crash into a tanker truck full of sewage…but you signed up for the class without asking questions, and you did the homework anyway, didn't you?
Your education was successful. IT TAUGHT YOU TO OBEY.
6. Drinking alone becomes both enjoyable and necessary.
After bitterly acknowledging that your education has made you a lifelong slave rather than a lifelong learner, you unfortunately still have more to realize as you make your way along the doomed path to old age. At some special moment in your life, you will look very carefully at everyone around you…and you will recognize five very important, life-long truths:
- Young people are unpredictable, immature, and stupid.
- Middle-aged people are full of shit.
- Old people are greedy and corrupt.
- Everybody is an asshole.
- Nobody loves you.
It's time for you to begin drinking alone. In fact, drinking alone (and more often) will probably be good for you at this stage in life.
7. You realize that adults are merely grown-up children.
Growing up, you were taught that adults are wise, that they are in charge, and that they know what's going on. But as you get older, you realize that just the opposite is true.
Do you remember what it was like to be a child at recess? Do you remember all the favoritism, the drama, and the gossip? Do you remember all the fighting, lying, bullying, cheating, whining, and bickering that went on right before all of your red-eyed, sobbing classmates would line up to go back to class? Do you remember how your teachers would punish you for this? Well guess what, your teachers were probably doing the same thing in the teachers' lounge. You just didn't see it.
If you compare your childhood experiences at recess time with the "professional" workplace you will be joining after you graduate, you may find quite a few alarming similarities… leading to the logical conclusion that adults are really nothing more than grown-up children. They fight with each other, they gossip about each other, and they lie all the time. They are not in charge, and they don't know what's going on…but they do have wrinkles, and quite of few of them have irritable bowel syndrome.
8. Everyone you used to know will become uglier…if you even remember who they are.
How many times has this happened to you: You're at some social gathering, and you bump into someone you haven't seen in years. It may be an old neighbor, acquaintance, friend, or even a relative. You feel embarrassed because you don't recognize this person, and you feel even worse because they already know this. (After all, they had to remind you.) But what you really feel bad about is the fact that this person looks like complete shit.
They used to look fairly decent, and they used to be pretty successful with members of the opposite sex. (Probably more so than you.) But life has been cruel. Whether it was illness, a bad marriage, kids, divorce, alcoholism, drugs, financial problems, the death of a loved one…who knows. You're not quite sure what to say at first, so you give it careful thought. After reflecting a bit, you realize that life, with all of its trials and pressures, can actually take quite a toll on people. You shouldn't judge this individual too harshly. After all, we're all human. With sheer dignity and grace, you muster up all the love and unconditional acceptance in your heart as you greet this person with words of kindness and compassion:
"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE HOSPITAL? I'm sorry I uttered that window-shattering scream of terror when you said hi to me, but I honestly thought you were after my brains. How is it possible that your entire body looks like it was inflated with hot air, yet the undeniable weariness and exhaustion that has plagued your unfortunate life has given your facial features a skeletal appearance? And your eyes… not only are they blood-shot, but they look like they're about to explode right out of your head, leaving nothing more than disgusting, splattery goo running down the ancient-looking crevices of your oddly discolored cheeks. I think you should see a doctor immediately."
9. Unfortunately, #8 also applies to you.
The person you were talking to was thinking the exact same thing about you…they just didn't say anything.
10. You tend to give meaningless advice, and forget things.
Getting older actually has its advantages when it comes to the bar scene. After dealing with years of painful rejection, failed attempts to impress women, a few stormy relationships, and perhaps even a divorce, you may find that it is easier to hook up with women in bars for the simple fact that you don't actually care if you get laid. Getting a good night's sleep wouldn't be that bad, after all. You probably missed your nap earlier in the day, anyway.
But if you do want to get laid, then pay attention because the following information is very important. The first thing to remember is that good things always happen when you don't care. If you care too much, then things get all fucked up. In order to hook up with a good-looking woman at a bar, all you need to do is follow these five simple steps:
- You caught the seductive glance of a gorgeous female at the other end of the bar, and it appears that she's making her way toward you. Remain calm.
- Look behind you to make sure she's not looking at somebody else.
- ……
Actually, to tell you the truth, I never get past step number two. I have also forgotten how I was going to conclude this article…