This is for all you "I'm a better fan than you are because I was a fan when the team sucked, and I have faith, and I don't give up easily, wah wah wah" people. Get over yourselves. Who are you, the fan police? No one, except others like you, give a shit about your self-seeking interest in pointing out the lesser fans to validate your own devotion to the team, especially the team or team owners. As long as the team is doing well, the owners will make money and the players will make money. It's a business, not Little League; it just happens involve sports too. Fans ultimately pay the players, therefore, when a team doesn't perform, fans can be as disgruntled as they want.

Saying that it's over before it's over or giving up has nothing to do with being faithless. It's self-preservation. Do you really expect that there should be the same amount of fan interest when a team sucks? That is fucking retarded. If a team can go 0-16 every year and still sell out, where would the sense of urgency be for the owners? If this were true, the motivation to win would be thinned quite a bit without dollar signs behind it, don't you think? Nah, you don't think because you're such a faithful little in-good-times-and-bad-times super fan, aren't you?

It's not about a general lack of loyalty either. First of all, a disloyal act would be if a Red Sox fan decided to become a Yankees fan because of what happened in 2011. Even though it was an awful and historic collapse, no one is going to do that! No Boston fan is going to switch teams, so don't try and use that "you're not a loyal fan" bullshit. People might not pay as much attention when they're doing bad, but who wants to? I don't like watching any Boston teams lose, because it's not enjoyable. However, I'm also not going to sit there and put another team above mine, and nobody else will either. If anyone claims to have actually switched teams then they aren't even sports fans to begin with, and they ultimately don't care either way. So if you want to use the term "disloyal fan" anyway, it won't make any sense.

Furthermore, I cannot fucking stand when people say that they were Patriots fans when they were 2-14, or other crap like that. EVERYBODY WAS STILL A PATRIOTS FAN. It's not like anybody who legitimately followed Boston sports became a Jets fan during that period and then switched back to the Patriots when they improved. When your team sucks, you lose interest, and when they're doing well, it's more interesting, but that doesn't make you a bandwagon fan. Since the Patriots started winning, it's just happened to draw more New England people into becoming football fans. So what?

0-16 Detroit Lions 2008 tattoo
I am lion, hear me roar… softly.

As long as they keep selling out, owners don't give a shit. What the hell do you think drives them to build a team to win championships…to please you, Mr. Eternally Faithful Fan? No, it's to keep the goddamn seats filled, and it will never be the other way around. You can say whatever you want about any team and they will still be more than happy to sell you luxury box season tickets for a ridiculous price.

Everyone who curses their team up and down while they're losing (and I am definitely guilty of this) does it because they're angry, because they care. They hate to see their team lose; it's an emotional reaction. Saying that it's over before it's over or giving up has nothing to do with being faithless, or at least it doesn't in my case. It's self-preservation. It's preparing for the worst because you are emotionally invested in the outcome of your team's game/season, etc. Or maybe it's just someone's opinion. Either way, nobody ever gives up entirely.

No matter how angry or discouraged we get as fans, we still check the score, the standings, or watch SportsCenter at some point because there will always be a glimmer of hope. All "fair weather" fans do it too. If they were faithless, wouldn't that mean they would never follow the team again? Never pay attention to a scoreboard again? Never have a discussion about their team again? Never go to another game again? Nobody does that either!

When the Red Sox went down three games to none in 2004 against the Yankees, no one believed they would come back (and you're a fucking liar if you say otherwise), but everyone hoped they would, and everyone still watched Game Four. There is a difference. Fans get dissatisfied, flustered, and say negative things in the midst of defeat, but they always hope their team will win.

So going back to 2004, if we employ the "I'm a faithful fan and you're fair weather, wah wah wah" logic, doesn't that mean that every Sox fan in the world was a "fair weather" fan when they were down 3-0? Maybe some people believed in the team, or whatever, but nobody actually thought they were going to do it. You folks on your high horses need to stop confusing faith with optimism. Join the fan club and maybe they'll make you vice president for all your "faith." I'm sure they'll be glad you "stuck with it" during the hard times and had an unpleasant experience watching them lose so many games. I personally only prefer pleasant experiences…you know, like when a team wins.

The term "faith" means "to have confidence or trust in someone or something." If your team is down 17-0 at halftime, you may naturally have less confidence and trust that they're going to win the game, and that's all. Save your faith for God-at least he's not doing it for a contract. Most importantly, I will say whatever the fuck I want when our teams aren't doing well. Fuck you. I am still just as much of a fan as anyone else, and I always will be a loyal fan no matter what.

P.S. If there weren't any "fair weather" fans, then you wouldn't be so fucking special, would you?

P.P.S. You know what else really grinds my gears? When you see Dateline NBC, Inside the NFL, or essentially any program in which the anchor sits down and interviews a celebrity, sports athlete, etc, and holds that pen in their hand while they ask questions, like they're actually fucking taking notes. I think it's safe to presume everyone has seen this. You know, when you see Bryant Gumbel, Larry King, or some other idiot with their sleeves rolled up, holding a pen, interviewing someone and not even writing anything down, just pointing to their list of questions with the pen? Oh yeah, your sleeves are rolled up, that means you must be "getting down to business." Yeah, you might get your hands dirty because you're working so arduously in the grueling trenches of high-paid TV interviews, asshole. You must need your pen because you're such an excellent journalist, diligently taking notes to make sure we get the "scoop" right? Fuck you. What is it, the trendy new standard that reporters must hold a pen and flail it around aimlessly while interviewing someone? Put down the fucking pen.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.