I've discussed the art of the pregame, both at length online, and minimally ad nauseam in the Twitterverse. But there's something essential that I've overlooked. An idiot's mistake made by someone who once thought they knew how to pregame. Somehow, someway, in my previous ejaculations of cyber-blabber, I've neglected to discuss the "Shower Beer."

Suds and a hot shower go together like an Italian Deli and cured meats cut by a guy who looks like Vinny Testaverde. It's something you might not think would go well together until you take the time to think about it. And after you think about it, it makes more sense to drink about it. After a few sips, it's a union that goes together like a circuit and a switch, or pineapple chunks and non-metallic forks. Something that makes you go "Why the hell don't I do this more often?" A great escape within an escape.

Girl pouring beer all over herself
Not to be confused with the beer shower.

I also can't really think of a better exercise of democratic freedom. Things and ideas and people that come to mind: Neil Young, bacon-wrapped hot dogs, the rise of Warren Moon, and AMC's television lineup. Personally, I wouldn't terribly mind all of that included in my shower, but logistically, I know that I'm asking for too much in too small a window of space and time.

Living behind the curtain opens you up to a whole new realm. You can pour pilsner into your mouth at whatever angle you want, and nobody from society is gonna judge you. Nobody is watching. Nobody cares. It's a great intimate activity that is nowhere near as shameful as another intimate activity you just thought of. Which is the subject of a different and disgusting future article.

Even though you're alone, you're not. There's a whole online community of shower beer enthusiasts out there. Yeah, maybe a little weird. But maybe really cool. Every pursuit in life needs a support group.

It's okay if you aren't too hefty in the debit account, because depending on the beer you choose, whether it's Pabst, Busch, or Coors, you can choose to live lager. It's just you, the warm water and your beer (or the beer you ganked from your buddy's fridge). And given your ambient surroundings, it is your Beer of Champions. It's a nonchalant middle finger to Eau de Toilette models, and an acceptance of pure, loose, pressure-free mediocrity. It's flat-out "not giving a damn" for at least 5 minutes. Tuning out the world during the time it takes to enjoy a decent beer without being intruded upon. Just the thing you need to keep you going.

And if you want to keep going after that?

Make it two shower beers.