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Greetings. I am an over-caffeinated, hyperactive, alcoholic, scab-picking, glue-sniffing, tampon-licking, socially-retarded, narcissistic recluse who likes to scream at people from my apartment window while punching myself in the face. I also have a penis on my forehead. But that's not important. This is a story about someone out there who truly needs your help. His name is Todd.

Todd was a lonely college student who spent many nights praying that the woman of his dreams would show up. He was working on a major in Medieval European Map Designs, so his studies always kept him highly intrigued, but there could be no doubt about it…Todd was very lonely.

My friend Jerry received this email, and only sent it to four of his friends. All of those friends were kidnapped by mentally deranged Bulgarian prostitutes.Sure enough, he was sitting on a park bench one day reading his favorite book, "The World is Not Your Oyster" (which his academic advisor had given to him as a gift), when a beautiful girl named Melissa suddenly walked up and asked him what he was reading. The two struck up an amazing conversation together that lasted all evening and well into the night. When Todd went back to his dorm room, he had a strange new feeling in his heart, and he knew exactly what the feeling was…it was love.

Over the next few months, Todd and Melissa spent lots of time together. They went to movies together, ate lunch together, and talked about their hopes and dreams for the future. Todd grew incredibly attached to her. Not only was she extremely beautiful with her athletic body, brown eyes, and long flowing brunette hair, but she was also very intelligent. Todd had strong feelings for her, and he felt incredibly sad whenever she wasn't around. In fact, he wasn't even able to sleep most nights because Melissa had consumed both his heart and his mind.

Despite all of this, he always kept his true feelings for her bottled up inside. He simply couldn't work up the courage to tell her how he felt.  However, his heart began to ache so much inside that he knew he had to do something.

Todd was driving around in his 1971 Ford Pinto one day when Billy Joel's 1983 classic "Tell Her About It" started playing on the radio. Todd gained inspiration and hope as he listened to the lyrics.

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real

Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Todd made up his mind. He was going to tell Melissa exactly how he felt. He gathered up all of his courage and called her on the phone. He poured out his entire heart. He told her everything. He even told her that she meant the world to him.

There was a brief silence on the phone. Todd grew nervous. Finally, Melissa started speaking. "Todd" she said, "I know that you have feelings for me, and I've known it for quite some time. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I don't feel the same way about you. I think you're a wonderful guy, and you deserve to meet a wonderful girl someday, but I need to be honest and clear when I say that I do NOT love you. I think it's only fair that I also tell you that I'm seeing someone. I'm sorry, Todd…"

The phone dropped out of Todd's hand. He sat down completely stunned. For the next few days, he walked around feeling weary and sick. While he was sitting in class one day, he decided to walk over to Melissa's place and talk to her again. He wanted to see if there could possibly be a second chance.

As he approached her apartment, he noticed that there were several pairs of shoes outside her door. "She must have company," Todd thought. "Maybe her family came to visit." He was about to knock on her door when he noticed that it was partially open. He called her name but got no response, so he cautiously made his way in.

He could hear strange noises coming from the hallway in her apartment, so he decided to investigate. He opened up one of the doors and found Melissa in bed with four guys at the same time. Todd was devastated. The book he was holding, "Pre-Columbian Eurocentric Maps…and Why They are So Stupid" by J.B. Schmuck, fell out of his hands and landed on the floor. Todd ran out of her apartment weeping, got into his 1971 Ford Pinto, and drove away. He was in such severe emotional pain and shock that he wasn't even paying attention to traffic.

Suddenly, a 2001 Corbin Sparrow accidentally bumped into the left rear end of his Ford Pinto, causing an explosion that send Todd flying through the windshield. Todd flopped around like a rag doll as his body went sailing through the air, and he was eventually impaled on a jagged wooden fence post. Twitching, gurgling, and vomiting all over himself, Todd was rescued by the ambulance just in time. Fortunately for him, the fence post was very thin, and it didn't actually pierce any of his vital organs, so he survived.  He is currently resting in Saint Bob's Hospital for the Recently Impaled.

This email goes out on Todd's behalf because we believe he deserves a second chance at life. You see, Todd simply wasn't old enough or mature enough to understand five of life's greatest lessons:

1. Young, attractive women don't like nice guys, they like jerks.

2. Beautiful women were put on Earth to seduce, manipulate, crush, and then savagely destroy the hearts of well-intentioned young men looking for love.

3. Playing with a deadly, poisonous snake is much safer than telling the woman of your dreams how you feel.

4. Stabbing yourself in the eyeball with a fork and then shoving a lit blowtorch up your ass is much less painful than falling in love.

And….

5. Love songs are full of shit.

Needless to say, this entire episode has left Todd with a few emotional and physical scars, so we would like to raise enough money to buy him a box of Band-Aids and some Tylenol.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ THIS STORY, YOU MUST FORWARD THIS TO AT LEAST 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

My friend Jerry received this email, and he sent it to only four of his friends. Well, guess what happened? All four of those friends were kidnapped by mentally deranged Bulgarian prostitutes and then forced to play Backgammon for hours on end, despite the fact that they all find the game extremely boring.

After that, a bunch of psychologically maladjusted dwarfs marched into Jerry's room at night, tied his girlfriend to a chair, and then forced her to watch as they made poor, helpless Jerry sit through an entire Rocky marathon on AMC. Jerry endured the first two Rocky movies fairly well. However, he began to show visible signs of irritation at the beginning of Rocky III. "How can this be?" Jerry said angrily. "He was already past his prime as a boxer in the first movie. How is he able to take on stronger and stronger opponents in every sequel?" But the dwarfs paid no attention to him.

Jerry's girlfriend tried to look away because she simply couldn't endure watching her boyfriend suffer so horribly, but the dwarfs held her head in place and threatened to make her listen to hours and hours of bizarre 70's music on the Studio 54 channel if she looked away. She had no choice but to watch helplessly as Jerry suffered.

After the Communist Party stood up and applauded Rocky's victory speech at the end of Rocky IV, Jerry began crying. "That was bullshit!" Jerry screamed as tears of pain rolled down his cheeks. That would never happen!" Again, the dwarfs paid no attention to him. Halfway through Rocky V, Jerry‘s mind simply couldn't endure any more suffering, and his spirit broke completely. He sat there limp and occasionally twitching as the credits rolled at the end of the movie. When the sixth Rocky movie was over, the dwarfs criticized the interior design of Jerry's house, made fun of his haircut, and then threw him on the floor so that they could take turns farting on his face. They also jammed a No. 2 pencil into his penis hole.

That being said, we desperately need your help to raise enough money to buy Todd a box of Band-Aids and some Tylenol. For every 10,000 people who read this and forward it to at least 5 of their friends, one-tenth of a cent will be donated to the "Let's Get Todd a Box of Band-Aids and Some Tylenol" charity fund.

Before you send this to five of your friends, please scroll down. Your guardian angel has a special message for you:

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If you send this to 5 friends…the horribly unattractive person at work who keeps hitting on you will finally leave you alone.

If you send this to 10 friends…the monthly issue of your favorite magazine, "East Coast Infidelity," will arrive a few days earlier.

If you send this to 50 friends…your wife's boyfriend will finally agree to take his beer out of your refrigerator.

If you send this to 100 friends…a demon from Hell will appear in your boss's home on Sunday night, pull his pants down, and then brutally sodomize him in front of his wife and kids. Serves him right for all the crap he's given you over the years. THAT PRICK!!!

If you don't have any friends, then you must forward this to 80,000 people in 57 seconds or else a horned leprechaun will appear out of thin air and shoot you in the penis with a nail gun.

Continue to “The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 3” »

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