Your help is needed. Today, you have the opportunity to make a difference in somebody's life. Please read the following story all the way through, and you will see why.

Hello. I am a recently divorced mother who is going back to school so that I can earn enough money to support my four children. I am also a hyperventilating, nymphomaniac, ex-prostitute who practices witchcraft and is currently struggling with a severe cocaine addiction. But that is not important. This is a story about someone out there who truly needs your help. His name is Peter.

Peter was a nice young man with really high hopes. He had recently earned his history degree with a special emphasis on pre-industrial gardening techniques in the United States from the period of 1833 to 1839, and he was planning on moving to Bangladesh to begin his bright new future. But just when he least expected it, the most stunning woman he had ever seen walked into his life. Her name was Amanda, and she was absolutely beautiful. She was a gorgeous brunette with voluptuous breasts, tight jeans, and soul-penetrating brown eyes that could leave a man helpless and weeping.

Weeping and masturbating, Peter lodged himself on the handrail and proceeded on his downward journey. However, he smashed into yet another metal handrail. Peter hadn't been looking for love. He was merely sitting on a park bench one fine sunny morning reading Dante's Inferno when she walked up and introduced herself. When Peter told her that he had a degree specializing in pre-industrial American gardening techniques from the period of 1833 to 1839…and that he planned on moving to Bangladesh, she was immediately intrigued. The two started talking, and time escaped both of them as the conversation took many dynamic angles. Before they knew it, the sun had gone down. Finding themselves emotionally unable to part ways, they fell into each other's arms and ended up having very naughty sex in one of the nearby bushes.

Peter gave up his dream of moving to Bangladesh and instead moved in with Amanda on the 17th floor of her apartment building. The next five years were purely amazing. Peter never imagined that he could fall so deeply in love. Everything was perfect…or so he thought.

As he was walking down the hallway to Amanda's apartment one day, he passed a tall, well-built, sophisticated-looking man who was heading the other direction. Since Amanda's apartment was the only one at the end of the hallway, a slight feeling of unease began looming over Peter's heart.

He opened the door to Amanda's apartment and found her completely naked on the couch, looking extremely pleased and exhausted at the same time…as if she had just taken the rollercoaster ride of her life.

Peter was stunned. Amanda got up immediately and put her clothes on. With a somber look on her face, she told Peter to sit down.

"Peter, there's something I need to tell you," she said.

"What's going on?" Peter replied shakily.

"You probably feel very confused right now. I understand that, so I'm going to explain…" Amanda said. "That man you saw walking down the hallway is my old boyfriend from college. He recently moved back to town, but I didn't realize he was here until just a few days ago. I'm sorry Peter, but I've decided to move back in with him. He has become rich and successful, and he is also really great in bed. The last five years were fun, they really were. I truly admire your dedication to learning more about pre-industrial American gardening techniques, but I won't lie to you: I love him, and I secretly always have. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm sorry, Peter. I guess you should have moved to Bangladesh after all."

Peter didn't know what to say. He was speechless. Realizing that the woman of his dreams had never actually loved him and that he would spend the rest of his life in horrifying despair while she lived happily with another man, Peter hurled himself from the 17th floor balcony.

Unfortunately, he failed to achieve his goal of splattering himself all over the pavement because he ended up crashing into the metal handrail of a balcony on the 12th story before crumbling helplessly onto a cold tile floor. Bruised, bleeding, and partially crippled, he looked through the window of the 12th floor and just happened to see a happy, young couple engaged in wild sex. As he watched them express their tremendous love for each other in a passionate cyclone of orgasmic fury, a horrible stabbing pain of eternal gloom and soul-crushing sadness pierced his already dying soul. To make matters worse, the sex was so energetic and magnificent that Peter could not help but sprout a boner.

Weeping endlessly and masturbating, Peter lodged himself up on the handrail and proceeded on his downward journey. However, on his way down he smashed into yet another metal handrail. This time, it was on the 7th story. Crumbling helplessly onto another cold tile floor, he realized that he had once again failed in his quest to achieve an uninterrupted vertical dive directly into a wretched, bloody, crippling pool of gore on the pavement. Looking through the window of the 7th floor, Peter saw an old couple dancing slowly together in their living room to the tune of an old-fashioned love song. As he picked himself up and positioned himself for another desperate leap, he overheard the couple's conversation.

Gretchen: "Oh Henry, we've been together for so many years, and I still love you with every single bit of my heart. You were the only man for me. My undying love for you is just as strong as it was when I first met you."

Henry: "Oh, Gretchen. I can't tell you how happy I am that I've spent my entire life with you. If it weren't for the true and endless love that you've given me over the years, I probably would have hurled myself from the 17th floor of this building. Ahahaha."

Peter continued his descent. However, there wasn't enough distance between the 7th floor balcony and the ground to kill him. In fact, he didn't actually hit the ground right away. He bounced off the top of a passing car and landed on a broken beer bottle in a dirty alleyway. Peter lay on his back in severe pain, bleeding profusely from the numerous shards of broken glass that were now stuck in his body. He also began twitching and gurgling from the massive number of severed nerves and physical damage he had just sustained. While he was in this condition, a diseased, smelly, flea-infested, stray male dog with patches of missing hair climbed on top of him, licked his face, and peed on him.

Peter wanted to push the dog off of him, but he found that he couldn't because both of his arms were broken. And just when Peter thought that things couldn't get any worse, another diseased, smelly, flea-infested, stray dog with patches of missing hair wandered over and climbed on top of him…only this one was female. Much to his chagrin, the male dog began ferociously humping the female dog. Hopeless, heart-broken, bleeding, dirty, infected, crying, twitching, and gurgling, Peter had no choice but to lay there as the two stray dogs did it doggy-style right on top of his chest.

This email goes out on Peter's behalf because we are trying to raise enough money to purchase him a bottle of aspirin. Needless to say, this entire incident has left Peter with a slight headache, and we want to try to ease as much of his pain as possible.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ THIS STORY, YOU MUST FORWARD THIS TO AT LEAST 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

My friend Chad received this email, and he sent it to only four of his friends. Guess what happened? All four of those friends were attacked and kidnapped by hordes of genetically-deformed creatures who took them out to the woods and ate them. After that, a bunch of cross-eyed, toothless, demonic leprechauns marched into Chad's room at night, tied his girlfriend to a chair, and then forced her to watch as they made poor, helpless Chad eat five jars of pickled gherkins that were 10 months past their expiration date. After Chad had eaten every single expired gherkin, they forced him play an entire game of "Stratego," despite the fact that he finds the game extremely boring. When the game was finished, they told him a bunch of outdated, unfunny jokes, and then they pulled his pants down and sodomized him with a broken tree branch.

That being said, we desperately need your help to raise enough money to buy Peter a bottle of aspirin. For every 10,000 people who read this and forward it to at least 5 of their friends, one-fourth of a cent will be donated to the "Let's Get Peter a Bottle of Aspirin" charity fund.

Before you send this to five of your friends, please scroll down. There are two special messages waiting for you before you reach the bottom:

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Elephant poop falling from the butt

Send this to 5 friends…and that mean-looking, red-headed child who rides his bike past your house and flips you off every day will finally leave you alone.

Send this to 10 friends…and you will be fortunate enough to find a discount on fake, rubber cockroaches at Walmart. Not only are they fun to play with during your spare time, but they are also great for scaring people at work. They are a big hit at parties, too.

Send this to 20 friends…and all the bad karma you've built up will completely disappear, and all the good karma you've built up will finally be rewarded. Yes, all the wonderful, kind-hearted deeds you've done in your lifetime will finally pay off when you are able to find a brand of Kleenex that DOESN'T break apart when you blow your nose.

Send this to 50 friends…and the monthly issue of your favorite magazine, "Men Who Survive Traumatizing 4th of July Accidents…And The Women Who Still Love Them," will arrive a few days earlier.

Send this to 100 friends…and the love of your life will appear out of thin air while you're sleeping at night and bounce up and down on your genitals until you blow a good healthy load all over your bed sheets.

If you don't have any friends, then you must forward this to 70,000 random people in 42 seconds or else you will die a painful and meaningless death.

Continue to “The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 2” »

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