I have a wife and two beautiful kids. Wait, that's not right. I'm highlighting the word beautiful on the kids but I'm not saying anything about my wife. Let me correct myself. I have a wife and two kids. That's much better. My wife is American and I'm an immigrant from Eastern Europe. Now most of you will think that immigrants in this country have got it going on. They come to the US and all of a sudden they're living the dream because life sucked in their home country, so it must be much better for them over here. I used to think so, too.

For a long time I was under impression that I was experiencing the best of both worlds; sucking on both tits, if you will. But the truth is that I'm sitting uncomfortably on two chairs with my butt crack exposed in between. Not a great feeling if you ask me. On one side, I've lost contact with my Eastern European heritage for the most part, but on the other side I haven't developed into a full American yet. I'm stuck somewhere in between, confused and vulnerable.

The common thing for my previous job and my current job is that the clothing is not desirable. I'm a male stripper now. I also have a problem with my accent. Words like "river" and "literally" I pronounce with a lot of problems. I try not to use those words too much. Don't get the wrong impression that I'm complaining. I'm not. My life here is much better than it ever was. No question about that. Just by comparing my jobs I realize how much of an improvement I've experienced so far.

Back in the old country I used to work as a living statue. All I had to do was be perfectly still for eight hours, standing in a city square on a pedestal in running position with a fake sword and a helmet on, heavily painted in bronze. Because of my muscle structure I was chosen to play a central role, a role of mighty Achilles. A lot of times I would hear the comments of curious tourists praising the "work" of the talented sculptor and for some reason those comments made me happy.

And then one day we all lost our jobs, just like that. It was my fault to some extent, but the main problem was the weather. To be more specific, we weren't convincing enough sculptures on a windy day. Certain body parts would sway left and right, back and forth out of sheer force of the wind. What can I say, I have big balls, literally. Oops, I said I wouldn't use that word… too late.

Anyway, the common thing for my previous job and my current job is that the clothing is not desirable. I'm a male stripper now. I have to admit I enjoy feeling the sweaty palms of females ages 18 to 88 all over my body, most of them on the higher end of the age difference, of course. Money is not bad either. And my wife doesn't seem to have problem with it. I mean why would she? A job is a job.

My wife and I are a perfect match. I remember when we first got married we were always at each other's necks. The only difference is that sometimes we were hugging and sometimes we were trying to strangle each other. We are still doing it to this day but with much less enthusiasm.

When she gets really mad at me she calls me "stupid Bulgarian." Funny thing is that I'm not Bulgarian. I usually call her "stupid bitch" in reply. Funny thing is that she's not stupid. She knows about black holes and shit. But having an educated wife is like having a dog with three eyes: interesting at first glance but completely annoying and lame in the long run.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not just saying you shouldn't marry smart women, I'm saying you shouldn't marry at all. If you're a single guy you should think of a reason not to marry until the age of 40, at least. Find a good reason and stick with it. And then by the age of 40 your life is almost over anyway, so getting married won't seem like a bad idea by then. 

It has been said that the only time a man doesn't have a pair of eyes looking at him is when he's making love to his lawfully wedded wife. Only then, does the good book say, your guardian angel and the devil turn their heads the other way and only then is a man completely free and alone in the universe.

That's a bunch a bullshit right there. I made love to my wife many times and I never felt that loneliness and freedom. I think that crap was written by single guys. The words "wife" and "free" don't get together in a sentence unless you're a sci-fi writer. Married people don't know what freedom feels like. But don't let that get you down. There is other fun stuff people do in marriage. I just can't remember anything at the moment.