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’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
My seat had no window, I'd wasted my cash / on a seat in the middle by a guy with a rash
There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
What do I want for Christmas? Just get me anything. Socks, sweaters, a crisp stack of twenties shoved inside a brown paper bag.