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DNR for My Old Underwear
I, Your Ratty Underwear, give my consent to die a natural death.
Articles
I’ve Got a Lot of Money Riding on This Peewee Soccer Game
I know your coach said it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Your coach has obviously never been up to his asshole in debt for betting on collegiate air hockey.
Son, I Don’t Care What You Want, I’m Playing Guitar at Your Wedding
Speaking of, I’ve been thinking about playing some Allman Brothers at the rehearsal dinner. But I might need a little lead time to learn the solo.
Introducing the “Choose Your Most Important Body Part” Health Insurance Plan
Choose a select body part for coverage. Options may include*: arm (1 only), leg (1 only), eye (1 only), lip (1 only), tongue, neck, forehead, or skin (maximum 1 square ft section).
I’m Going to Business School to Find Myself
For me, a fresh excel sheet offers endless promise. A blank deck is the root of inspiration.
Five Places You Will Definitely Drive This SUV, According to the Commercials
This muddy car plus your wolf family will make for a pretty incredible #weekend-pics Slack post come Monday.
What Are Thoughts?
What are thoughts? A better question might be, What isn’t a thought? A basketball, for example?
Our Fracking Site Groundbreaking Will Now Begin with a Land Acknowledgment
We’ve tried to make it easy to avoid those cumbersome demonstrations with our soundproofed wall of historic woven blankets.
A Response to My Letter Would Be Great Because This War Is Pretty Shit
Even that pathetic loser Bernard received a letter from his gal.
I Hope This Email Finds You at the Bottom of a Well
I gotta have more treats, Benji. I’m fiendin’ for it. You getting a paper cut will not be enough.
A Note Regarding the Employee Suggestion Box and the Mothman in the Break Room
When life gives lemons, make sure to offer those to the Mothman in hopes the tart treat will placate his impulsive desires.
Why I Drove a Half-Mile Through This Empty Parking Lot to Park Five Inches from Your Hyundai Sonata
Destiny brought me to this remote fringe of blacktop to get a near-microscopic view of a kick-ass car and meet my new best friend.