Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Oreos: So your kids are begging for America's favorite cookie? Lucky for you it couldn't be easier. First, begin by grabbing your titanium dioxide.
I ain't no pushover. Please don’t push me over---I’ve become extremely top-heavy. More so after that last thing I said about not bein’ no pushover.
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Disinfect your broom, too. We recommend a homemade flying potion made of opium poppies, spotted red mushrooms, and toad skins.
You’re gonna want a place near bars, delis, and neighborhood laundromats. These are full of characters who will be furiously vague witnesses.
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
Andre The Giant contributed significantly less to the collective knowledge of germ theory.
At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!
"Sonnet 18, For My Dearest Netflix" Shall I compare thee to a blank brick wall? Thou art more lively and more intr’sting
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit. In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.
So why is Potbelly keeping your hard-earned taxpayer money? Because you all will fucking forget the second you’re allowed outside, that’s why.
“I was reluctant to try Tinder, too. You never know what weirdos you might find. Anyway, I enjoyed reading my entire dissertation aloud to you."