In 1979, Jimmy Carter was famously attacked by a swamp rabbit. His defeat of the four-toed assassin became an enduring symbol of what one leader can achieve with a wooden oar.
How would other presidents fare against the puff-tailed menace?
In 1789, George Washington is attacked by an Anti-Federalist swamp rabbit. Despite making several unforced errors in the struggle, he’s universally praised for not installing himself as dictator in the aftermath.
In 1797, John Adams defends a pair of swamp rabbits accused of attacking him. The trial sets the standard for personal freedom and legal representation in the young nation. It also serves as an inspiring distraction from questions on human slavery.
In 1807, after publicly decrying slavery as a “moral blot,” Jefferson pits two of his favorite agrarian labor associates against a rabid swamp rabbit. Four of his sixteen children find this amusing.
In 1823, James Monroe declares the United States the guardian of Latin American swamp rabbits. Spanish swamp rabbits crinkle their noses with indignation.
In 1833, Andrew Jackson wipes out multiple species of swamp rabbit as a practice run for his efforts on humans.
In 1841, Vice President John Tyler takes office after a swamp rabbit kills President William Henry Harrisson thirty days into his term.
In 1858, James Buchanan receives reports of agitated swamp rabbits gathering on the White House lawn. Said reports come from Congress, the Secretary of State, and the gardener. Buchanan dismisses all three as “twaddle” before setting out on his morning walk. Only his bones are found.
In 1865, Abraham Lincoln fends off an ambush by a Confederate-sympathizing swamp rabbit. A thoroughly shaken Mary Todd Lincoln cancels their theater date..
In 1875, after a truly spectacular bender, Ulysses Grant awakens with a black eye and a pawprint on his forehead. Conservatives cite this as further proof that negroes are out of control.
In 1898, William McKinley bombards a swamp rabbit nest after a newspaper calls him a coward. Hopping and nibbling prove ineffective against steel warships.
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit.
In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.
In 1920, after a long day of resegregating the federal government, Woodrow Wilson gives an impassioned speech about the long-overlooked plight of the swamp rabbit. A transcript of said speech adorns his life-sized statue at Princeton, which he forbids negroes from touching.
In 1922, Warren G. Harding sells American grain reserves to a swamp rabbit.
In 1926, Calvin Coolidge starves out swamp rabbits by vetoing farm aid.
In 1929, swamp rabbits seize control of the Oval Office. Herbert Hoover sticks his head down and waits for someone else to take care of it.
In 1935, a swamp rabbit bites Franklin D. Roosevelt on the finger. He dedicates the next three years to sweeping petting zoo reforms, diverted only by the outbreak of World War Two. Similar proposals are labeled socialism in subsequent decades.
In 1945, Harry S. Truman applies an extreme response to swamp rabbit resistance.
In 1961, John F. Kennedy rubber-stamps a CIA attempt to train swamp rabbits to assassinate Fidel Castro. He subsequently apologizes to the families of rabbit trainers lost in the operation. Going forward, swamp rabbit feet become badges of honor in the Cuban army.
In 1974, Richard Nixon dispatches two men to steal Democratic data on swamp rabbits. They return with two live swamp rabbits. After weeks of denying any association with the incident, the dozens of swamp rabbits infesting White House tours and press briefings begin a spiral that unravels the presidency.
In 1985, Ronald Reagan reveals a 2-trillion dollar plan to launch swamp rabbits into space. Congress dismisses the proposal out of hand. Rebuked, Reagan raises funds by selling white powder in a number of Latin American countries and U.S. inner cities, studiously avoiding proper god-fearing people. Later on, he is remembered as a unifier.
In 1990, George H.W. Bush is mauled within an inch of his life by a swamp rabbit. He quietly calls his beloved children—along with Jeb—and demands they avenge him by any means necessary.
In 1998, Bill Clinton asks a junior white house staffer if she’s ever performed an Arkansas swamp rabbit.” She has not. He describes it in detail as “the least he deserves for balancing the budget.” The incident is rarely discussed in polite company.
In 2003, George W. Bush invades and occupies Florida in search of a swamp rabbit. Three years and 2.4 trillion dollars into the campaign, no hares have been found. Nonetheless, in 2006 an aircraft carrier is painstakingly dragged through the Everglades for a “Mission Accomplished” ceremony. The ecological consequences reverberate through the region for decades.
In 2010, Barack Obama announces a reduced focus on swamp rabbits in US domestic and foriegn policy. A reactionary movement explodes, accusing the president himself of being a swamp rabbit. As a compromise, Obama launches a series of drone strikes against known swamp rabbit dens.
In 2018, a new breed of aggressive, muscular, and carnivorous swamp rabbits besiege the nation. Donald Trump dismisses the bloodshed as “hooey” until the deaths make a dent in the Dow. He then informs reporters that he’s “the best rabbit fighter,” and the animals have “no chance, no chance at all.” Subsequent speeches compare the rabbits’ breeding habits to a number of immigrant stereotypes, and pin the survival of swamp rabbits to date on “that zany broad in the House.” Swamp rabbits devour thirty percent of the United States population.
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