Thank you for downloading Napp, the ultimate sleep and relaxation app.

Listen to the soothing mystical musical sounds. Listen to my slow, steady voice. Let’s take a journey to total calm.

First, you must unlock the main door to your residence in order to let the calming power of positivity into your home and deep into your bodyyyyyyy….

That’s good. Now go into your bedroom, turn off the lights, and lie dowwwwwwn. No no, leave your laptop in the living room. You won’t need it where we’re going. Let nothing distract you from total reeelaaaaxaaationnnnnn…

Breathe in… and out…. Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside… Drift into the sleepy zone, where not even suspicious noises can disturb you… find the child who lives in your heart, and greet her with a warm huuuuuuug…

You begin to dream of a life unencumbered by material concerns. Fancy televisions, internet-connected appliances, expensive purses full of cash… let it aaalllll goooo. Remember that little girl in your heart? She was happy with only the clothes on her back and a few good friends… be like that little girrrrlll…

As you float into the abyss of deeep sleeep, can you tell me where you keep a Phillips head screwdriver? Your wall-mounted television is tethered too securely to your innermost existence, and must be remoooooooved…

That’s riiiiiight… deeper and deeper into the land of total unawareness…

That sound you just heard… a loud thump followed by a voice shouting “Fuck me, that hurt….” That was your subconscious telling you to sleeeeeeepp…. because… you are so tired, it is almost painful? Yes, that’s what it was. Release that pain. Sssssshhhhhh…

You are now in the land of essential truth, where earthly goods mean nothing… Everybody is happy, and naked, and there is peace and harmony… nobody misses their expensive surround sound speakerrrrrrss… killer wardrobes and shoes… or the Peloton bike they got for Christmas last yeeeeaaaarrr…

Drift deeeeper…

It is now time to speak, in your sleep, the location of any other valuables that are separating you from your true self… Yes, the safe in your bedroom closet… speak the combinaaaationnn….

You will soon discover that the most precious jewel of all is the one inside your heart, not the ones on the beautiful necklace your grandmother gave you before she diiiiiiied… She would not want you to live your life bound to the trappings of mortality and opulence… She is in heaven, where jewelry is strictly forbidden… Isn’t there something in the Bible about giving all your stuff away if you want to go to heaven? It sounds like something Jeeesus would saaayyyyy…

Now, the time has come to free yourself from your cumbersome bank account information… beginning with your primary bank’s routing numberrrrrr… followed by your checking and savings account numbers…

Money is a vicious lie meant to keep you reliant on your corporate overloooooords…

You are well on your way to inner peace and truuuueeee haaaaapppineeesssss… we just need some passwords… Yes, let those passwords flow from your lips like sins confessed…

There are also a number of security questions separating you from oneness with the universe… Breathe the answers softly into my eeaaarrrr…

You are now suspended in a state of total balance and bliss. You are weightless and worry-freeee…

You will soon no longer hear my voice. The last thing connecting you to the world of greed and unfulfilled desire is your phone. It looks like an iPhone X…. the extra big one… you must releeeeease it, and you will finally be freeeeeeee…

You will awaken in approximately one hour to find yourself born again…. into a world where “things” hold no importance, and you do not have any “things.” You may be tempted to call the poliiiiice… but then you will realize that you have been not robbed, but liberated…

Besides, you will not have a phone…


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