To our Potbelly Community,

Over the past few weeks, you’ve likely seen news about the SBA’s Paycheck Protection Program (PPP). We wanted to let the public and our shareholders understand why we applied for the loan, and our decision to keep it.

COVID-19 is an existential threat for every one of our competitors, and if this crisis has taught us anything, it’s that you think we’re a bunch of cornholing saps. Those hamburger cucks at Shake Shack thought you were going to hold a grudge and returned their cash. Fools. Damn good burger, though. I’ll give them that. Too bad their backbones aren’t as firm as their fries.

So why is Potbelly keeping your hard-earned taxpayer money? Because you all will fucking forget the second you’re allowed outside, that’s why. None of you will care that we skimmed a measly $10 million from a program designed for small businesses after you stuff your gregarious faces with Potbelly's salami, roast beef, and turkey signature sandwich, “The Wreck.” You think you’re going to spare one tear for that now-shuttered gourmet hummus place down the street from you after you get a chance to munch on all-natural chicken breast that’s been hand-sliced and slathered in gooey, melted cheddar cheese? Sounds pretty good, right? That’s Potbelly's “Grilled Chicken” and at only 610 calories, you might as well get three, tough guy. After all, you gotta load up before the second wave hits.

After you savor our “Bacon and Chili Mac & Cheese,” you’re actually going to bat a lash at the fact that the $350 billion in the PPP fund ran out before your local taco truck got a piece? Think again, Pollyanna. Go ahead. Tweet your anger out to our social media team. It’s one 20-year-old dude who we literally pay in “Bake-Your-Own” cookies. He’s on our side, jack nuts.

Oh, and while you’re at it, go ahead and mention to your followers that on the same day we took the $10 million, we gave a $100,000 bonus to our chief financial officer. I’m sure that tweet will really resonate after America jams a few of our famous “PB & J” calorie bombs into their face holes.

Listen. You’re consumers and you’ll consume and you’ll fucking thank us for it. If you think we’re going to take a knee on this, you might as well go blow your own asshole after filling it with one of our rich, Coffee Topped Shakes. That bitch is made with hand-dipped coffee and topped with whipped cream and a motherfucking maraschino cherry.

You can’t escape us. You can’t run. We see you. We find you. We feed you.

Sincerely,
Your friends at Potbelly


And now a quick joke...

It’s fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”