One of the silver linings of social distancing is that America has learned how to cook. From the big pasta dishes, to the pasta itself, everything can be made from scratch! Here are just a few recipes for any beginning chef. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to make the foods you once thought impossible, and with ingredients you already have just lying around the kitchen!

Honey Mustard Dressing

Salad dressing doesn’t only come in bottles anymore! In a mixing bowl simply add one part mustard, one part honey, one part vinegar, and two parts olive oil. Whisk it up and voila!

Bread

A staple for thousands of years, rustic bread couldn’t be easier! Mix three cups flour, a quarter teaspoon of yeast, a teaspoon of salt, and just a pinch… of time (let it rest overnight). Now you’ve got a dough that’s ready for the oven, and a family who will love how fresh it tastes!

Oreos

So your kids are begging for America’s favorite cookie? Lucky for you it couldn’t be easier. First, begin by grabbing your Titanium Dioxide. Don’t have any lying around? Don’t worry. You can buy it from any art supply store. But, personally, I like to buy it in bulk from an online apothecary (you don’t want to have to go to the pigment section at Blick every time you want to make THESE cookies). And for the Walter White's out there: Yes. If you have the equipment you can try to extract it from sunscreen!

“Wait” you might be thinking, “Do I have to use titanium dioxide?” Good question! Nabisco doesn’t list titanium dioxide as an ingredient in their creme due to a criminal case in 2014. Instead they use something called “artificial flavor vanillin,” and it’s made by a third party so they can’t verify what’s in it. So, good news, if you have some artificial flavor vanillin sitting around the house you can skip the titanium dioxide. But, if you want to have that ultra white color that your kids love (and that Oreos definitely still have even since 2014) you pretty much have to use titanium dioxide.

Now time to finish your creme (according to the FDA you legally cannot call it cream). So grab your high fructose corn syrup, your soy lecithin, your palm and/or canola oil and your various artificial flavors and mix it up on the stove top, adding your titanium dioxide as you go. Let it cool under an industrial chemical fan with adequate ventilation. Wear your quarantine mask during this. You can’t be too safe.

Next: the wafers! Grab your 2,000-pound tub and add granulated sugar, flour, cocoa and water. Start blending until it forms a nice dough. Then, get out your molding machine that shapes the cookie and writes the patented “Oreo” on it. If you’ve misplaced your molding machine you cannot do it by hand. It will look bad and your kids won’t respect you.

Now, take the wafers to your industrial sized oven (minimum 300-feet wide!) and start baking until they’re a hard crisp. Let the wafers cool under your second industrial chemical fan, then spread the creme on the cookies (add extra for Double Stuff!), and top it with another wafer to make the sandwiches!

You’re not done. Next, grab the plastic trays you’ve been making in your back yard by refining natural gasses into ethane and propane, treating them with heat to crack them into ethylene and propylene and then combining them to make the polymer so you can shape it into the plastic sheath where your Oreos will live for a brief fleeting moment before they’re eaten without thought. Place your cookies individually in their designated slots.

Almost there! Grab the cellophane resealable bag (you know how to make those!) and slide the plastic sheath in, gluing the top down with a cohesive layer of self-sealant sealable tape.

Ready to eat? Not so fast. Find every cookie you made that might have a blemish (not the perfect uniform size, width, or brand) and throw them away. Just right into the trash. No one should look at them. No one should eat them. They are garbage now. Goodbye.

Bon Appetit!

Peanut Butter and Jelly: Uncrustables

You have to go to the store to buy it. I can’t figure out how to make this one.


And now a quick joke...

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn’t Doctor Seuss’s best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.