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Empty your pockets. Phones out, now! And you know what? While you’re doing that, why don’t you all sing Happy Birthday?
Do you see the way he struts around in his "chocolate" coat? He thinks he can just show up at anybody’s doorstep and everybody will jump for joy.
Are your friends: A) A bunch of good guys. B) Funnier and more interesting than you, each marginalized in no more than one single and visible way.
Sweetest Day is better and not until October 16th, so I'm actually way early in already talking about it.
You can’t convict me for something a parallel universe version of myself did.
I don’t even have the mental energy to try to win her back because your little stunt has put me in such an awful financial situation.
Or how about that day in April when I forget to wash the Cheetos bag? I fell into a fetal position, and I knew you were my soul mate.
When he says "I love you," do not say "I love free chocolate." Instead, try using the word “you.”
In light of the truly inseparable nature of relationships during this pandemic, I’m introducing Cupid’s Booster Arrows.
I mean, where else can you find crumbly olive oil bath bombs to give you that “wet pasta” sheen?
The card was so lovely, but unfortunately, I can’t show you it because there was a fire at my desk.
Don't be fooled by the New York City postmark on this letter -- I'm a Wisconsin mink farmer, born and bred.