So you’re in a relationship. Congrats! But having a partner can be tough, especially for you, who only got into this for the free chocolate every Valentine’s Day. Here are some foolproof ways to hide from your partner that you're only in this arrangement for the annual cocoa bliss.
Get the Kiss Right: When he says he wants to kiss you, return the favor with a real kiss and not a demand for a Hershey’s Kiss.
Imagine He’s Not Even There: When you’re holding hands, make it seem like you’re happy from the hand-holding and not from the thought of replacing the sensation of his sweaty palms with the cold touch of a frozen mocha.
Disguise Your Passion: When he brings home a box of heart-shaped chocolates just play it cool. Don’t say, “Oh, are those chocolates or something? The solid milk kind wrapped in rare Italian foil? American-produced, Swiss-formulated? Tastes even better when frozen?” Instead say, “Chocolates are so boring, right?”
Declarations of Love: When he says “I love you,” do not say “I love free chocolate.” Instead, try using the word “you.”
Be Prepared for the Hard Questions: When his parents ask what made you fall in love with their son, just say his ability to begin a conversation and not his “chocolate-buying potential.”
Don’t Be Afraid to Suggest a Vacation: When he asks for career advice, just give him a pat on the shoulder and say “you’re the best lawyer I know.” When he tells you he’s an engineer, “don’t you know that?” Just suggest you two take a Valentine’s Day vacation to Hershey Park, but say it’s for the roller coasters and it has nothing to do with the chocolate.
Don’t Let Him Judge You: When he takes you to the local chocolate cafe, pretend you don’t know the staff by hair color and the menu by heart. Do NOT ask the head chocolatier, Dave, how his new hip is holding up. This is a time where that fake mustache and trench coat you bought will come in handy. When he inquires about the outfit just accuse him of being judgmental.
Evade Evade Evade: When he asks why you never want him to see your apartment simply tell him it’s being renovated. Yes, it takes a few years. You can never reveal your bedroom shrine dedicated to the Aztec cacao god, Quetzacoatl.
Make Chocolate as Real as You Can: When he suggests you eat chocolate off his body well, that’s offensive. How could he smother something so beautiful on something so average? Act like nothing’s wrong. At least you’re still getting to eat some chocolate. Pretend like his body is a giant chocolate-coated wafer and hopefully he won’t get mad when you bite into him.
Don’t be Scared to Commit: When you’re at the emergency room and he asks why you kept referring to him as a giant chocolate coated wafer, just ask him what he’s doing for the rest of his life. Marriage is the only way to keep your secret hidden at this point.
Make a Plan for Guests: When you two move into your new house, never let him go to the basement. That is the new home for your bedroom shrine to Quetzacoatl.
Move Out and Move On: When he says he can no longer afford to buy you chocolate because your poor career advice led to his unemployment and he has suspicions that you are using him for free chocolate, immediately break up with him and take anything that resembles chocolate from your home, including the avocado pit dangling from the garbage because from a distance, it resembles chocolate. Now, head to Hershey Park and find your new lover!