Babe, of course I didn’t forget that today is Valentine’s Day, which is always on February 14th. If I had forgotten, would I have been able to rattle off the date so easily?

I can understand your confusion since we celebrated Valentine’s Day last year. And the year before that one. The real reason you found me playing PS5 in my underwear this afternoon and not having dinner ready, gifting you chocolates, or giving you a handwritten “lovey-dovey” card is because I’m saving all of that for a better holiday: Sweetest Day.

Sweetest Day is a holiday that is celebrated in the Midwestern United States, parts of the Northeastern United States, and in Florida—especially Tampa—on the third Saturday in October. It is not a “concocted promotion” created by the candy industry solely to increase the sale of sweets.

And it’s my favorite holiday, babe! And it’s way better than Valentine’s Day. Has there ever been a “Sweetest Day Massacre?” No, because Sweetest Day is for those in a serious relationship, which is what you and I have.

Let me be clear: I still really appreciate the thoughtful gifts you got me: the box of skittles, the hand-written five-page love poem, and the $100 gift card to Lettuce Entertain You (the restaurant where chefs sing at you while chopping salad; not the enterprise). Because this holiday means a lot to you, I will gladly accept all of these (cliché) gifts. I also suspect that you’re wearing sexy Valentine’s Day lingerie right now, and I respect that tradition of your holiday. Let me just get to a good saving point first in Spider-Man: Miles Morales.

Babe, I just hope you can understand that your excitement for Valentine’s Day is the same as (or even less than!) my excitement for Sweetest Day—which I’m already planning for this October 16th.

To give you a sneak peak of our itinerary this Sweetest Day: It’s all the boring parts of Valentine’s Day, but then we’re going to play laser tag!… From your lack of response, I can tell that you’re confused, but let me assure you that it is a Sweetest Day tradition and not something my friend Craig and I have been planning for a while now.

After laser tag, it’s also a “Sweetie” tradition to do All-You-Can-Eat Barbecue at Foul Dave’s. I know you’re not crazy about barbecue, but Foul Dave arranges the slab of ribs into a big heart shape! And he adds bright red food coloring to the BBQ sauce! I already booked a table for four on October 16th: You, me, Craig, and one extra… for Love. Or if Craig has a date by then.

I know you’re probably feeling bad about forgetting that I celebrate Sweetest Day now instead of Valentine’s Day. I could’ve sworn I told you this last week in between the Electro and Doc Ock battles in Spider-Man: Miles Morales. It’s okay if you weren’t paying attention; it happens to all of us. It’s been a crazy year.

In fact, I have your first Sweetest Day gift. I know, I know—it’s 244 days early—but I had to do something for you, babe! And this is better than a bouquet of roses: I want you to have the overgrowth of my 10-year-old succulent.

This is another Sweetest Day tradition: Roses wither after only a week, but repotting this baby succulent will last you a lifetime!

And that’s how long I hope this relationship lasts, sweetie. Sorry, there I go again forcing my Sweetest Day-isms on you, even though you’re a Valentinian.

Okay, I’m at a good saving point for Spidey. Now, how about that lingerie?

Sweetie? Babe? Where’d you go?


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