There is no being in any real or mythological universe that loves love more than me. I’ve dedicated my life to romance in all forms: from ill-fated infatuation to lifelong partnership. I’ve successfully held onto my job as the globe’s premier matchmaker for 2900 years. My arrows and I are responsible for more unions than 18th Century arranged marriages and more hook-ups than alcohol. I’d like to make a public statement announcing how I, Cupid, intend to operate in a limited, COVID-friendly capacity this Valentine's Day.
People in Cohabiting Relationships
When I designed my golden arrows, I expected people to leave each other sometimes. In the past, things like war, gathering berries, or carrying buckets of water to and from distant wells gave couples time away from each other. Now day jobs, long drive-thru lines, and the appeal of Magnolia Home displays at Target are crucial to my success. The performance of my golden arrows is being threatened by months of isolation. Here’s a short sampling of things devastating relationships due to coronavirus restrictions, pulled from social media posts I’ve been tagged in:
- “I never realized how many FREAKING TIMES A DAY my husband uses the phrase ‘oopsie-daisy.’ Who says that every time his wife leave a dirty dish in the sink?”
- “If I have to hear Maroon 5’s greatest hits one more time, I will live in my car.”
- “Pretty sure half our stimulus money has gone to tipping the DoorDash driver because apparently, my boyfriend can’t properly figure out 15% of our bill. (insert three rage face emojis)”
I understand the need for time away from your partner. If you recall, I’ve been with Psyche for 1800 years, but at one point early in our relationship, she dripped hot oil on me and I was pissed. Hot oil is no joke; I’ve still got a scar on my abdomen from the incident. Eventually I married Psyche, but let me tell you—if I didn’t have all that time at work to cool off while she visited the underworld, I’m not sure we would still be together today. Absence really can make the heart grow fonder.
In light of the truly inseparable nature of relationships during this pandemic, I’m introducing Cupid’s Booster Arrows in time for this Valentine’s Day. One golden arrow was enough to get you to “I do,” but it’s not enough to get you through “I do not ever leave the house.” My booster arrows not only meet updated protocols to reflect current health concerns, but they are sure to help you see the desirable qualities in your spouse despite any ridiculous phrases, incomprehensible music choices, or poor mathematical ability.
I know you’re lonely. I know you’ve watched every episode of The Queen’s Gambit twice. I know you told yourself you’d write a memoir in between Zoom calls and instead you filled your Pinterest board with cake-decorating tips. I’m not judging you. I’m in this business because I loathe loneliness. It pains me to say you’re out of luck, but here’s the cold, hard truth of the matter: if you’re single, the only thing you’re getting shot by in 2021 is a COVID vaccine. And it’s not likely that’s going to happen before Valentine’s Day. You can blow up my DM’s in protest, but Psyche’s the one who checks those anyway. I’m sorry if your biological clock or your mom or your overwhelming loneliness and despair are pushing you to total despondency. You will be alone this Valentine’s Day, but if it’s any consolation, so will a lot of other people.
You’ve known Isabelle since kindergarten, and she’s totally stolen your heart with her unicorn-print leggings and the way she crosses the monkey bars really fast. I know you thought this Valentine's Day would be the one where you could buy cards for your class with my image on them and worm your way into Isabelle’s heart so eventually, the two of you would stand by the cafeteria water fountain during lunch break and have Joseph officiate your wedding. This is the sort of elementary-school relationship I facilitate all the time. And I hate to say this to somebody who still believes in Santa, but kid, you can barely get an education during COVID. Not sure why you thought you were getting a girlfriend.
You’ve been in a physical school building for three weeks this year. You see Isabelle on Zoom, but half the time she’s nibbling pretzels like a rabbit, and the other half the time she’s fighting with her brother, so I think we can safely say she hasn’t noticed you. And not to make this personal—but last time I checked your math worksheet, you said 20 minus 6 was 11, and, boy, is it hard to make an arrow that makes a girl forget that kind of dumb. Trust me; you don’t want to be the guy that doesn’t know how to tip the DoorDash driver. Stop staring at Isabelle’s painted fingernails and start focusing on your grades.
Sending you all the socially-distanced love in the world,