Dear Internal HR Team,
It’s our company mission at eXitegeist to build best-in-class systems for leading the digital revolution. We’re a future-facing forward-focused company of 124 people strong, and growing!
Obviously eXitegeist is an incredible place to work, so here at HR we’ve issued some new rules for assessing job applicants:
- Resume credentials must be typed directly into our online submission system. Uploaded PDFs will instantly lose all formatting, no matter how many agonizing hours someone spent making a cool-looking resume.
- Cover letters ARE required. But we will not be reading them. Never read a cover letter. This will only complicate your decision-making process by allowing you to imagine what this person is actually like. Don’t fall into this trap. We tell people to submit cover letters only to see if they follow directions.
- Applications can be accepted from all the big job sites (LinkedIn, Indeed, Monster, etc.) Don’t look at these. All resumes that come in this way are trash that was likely generated by Russian Bots. You don’t go out of your way to open SPAM do you? That’s what these resumes are. Spammy SPAM from Russian SPAM bots. We will, however, continue to post on these sites to mess with these bots.
- We are looking for “out-of-the-box” thinkers. Who also have the exact job title as the title we’ve posted. No “creative” titles like “Chief Storyteller” or “Director of Buzz.” These aren’t real jobs. Take it from me, the Chief People Officer.
- Candidates must be ambitious. But not so ambitious that they might upset the delicate ecosystem that is this open-plan office. We can’t have somebody that’s too big for his britches in here. We all saw what happened with Shauna. Trying to institute “Muffin Mondays” when we already have “Donut Thursdays”? I don’t think so, Shauna.
- The candidate does not have to have worked in this industry before. But they have to have worked in an industry that is so close to this industry that it’s virtually indistinguishable. How do we know for sure if someone who has been a Marketing Coordinator in the digital insurance industry can hack it as a Marketing Coordinator in the digital finance sector? It’s impossible to know! We are not taking any chances.
- We are looking for badass rockstars who can leave their egos at the door. We want the best of the best and the top of the top, who are also completely humble and easy to get along with. Pretty much the opposite of Shauna.
- Graduate degrees from schools that are not on the East or West Coasts do not count. That’s just the way it is. Just ask any of us that went to school in Michigan.
- Fluency in conversational Japanese is preferred.
- Preferred qualifications are mandatory.
- If a candidate has not attended the Apple Worldwide Developer Conference, Dreamforce, F8, or Burning Man in the past two years, they cannot be considered. If they have attended for the past five years in a row, they also cannot be considered.
- Candidates must host a monthly podcast that has 10 or more episodes on iTunes. The podcast title should be a pun related to their name.
- Significant experience with AI technology is expected. Bonus points if the candidate is the voice of Siri, Alexa, or Google Maps.
- If a candidate has not already applied with NASA/Space X to colonize Mars, they must do so before being considered.
- Candidates must have given a TED Talk on one of the following topics: emotional intelligence, radical candor, global thought-leadership, using high-touch technology in a low-touch world, bringing your whole self to work (unless that self is Shauna).
- Candidates must know Microsoft Word.