Hi there, it’s me, the fake-socially-conscious advertiser. The product I’m pushing is as amoral an item as anyone could imagine, but that doesn’t matter to me, and it shouldn’t to you. In fact, I think you, the consumer, are so outrageously unintelligent that I can change your opinion on something as mundane as a fannypack just by creating a commercial that depicts trendy values.

Does this fannypack care about equality, the rights of those less-represented, or taking care of the earth we inhabit? Absolutely not, and neither do its creators. But I’m confident that you, the silly, easily-swayed consumer, will fall for anything. When I show this fannyback on the waist of a “diverse” actor as they recycle with their same-sex partner, I know you’ll jump to incorrect conclusions about the values of the company selling this product. You will not do the proper research to see that the CEO is indifferent to rights of the groups represented in this commercial, and anybody that isn’t just like him, nor will you realize that he donates regularly—with your consumer dollar—to groups actively taking away from those you claim to support.

I know just how mindless your so-called concern for the underprivileged is, so when I depict female empowerment in this thirty-second ad for a worthless and unfashionable accessory, I fully believe that you will feel better about yourself for making a purchase from us, despite the fact that the gender wage gap among this company’s employees is even greater than the national average. In fact, even the female actors in this commercial received far less than their male counterparts, even the ones with less experience and fewer accomplishments.

Successful advertising is about knowing the consumer, and I know you care about other people just as little as I do. Not only that, I know you haven’t had an original thought in years and are incapable of forming opinions without advertisers like myself giving you one. And I will give you one: buying our products makes you a better person than those who do not, and people who see you sporting our brand will recognize that you’re a superior, selfless person. This opinion is false of course; we will actively use the money we receive from you to make this world a worse place by pushing an aggressively capitalist agenda that ignores the needs of anyone who can’t provide us value, underpaying our employees, and distracting consumers from anything of true importance. But you don’t need to know that, you don’t need to know anything. Ignorance is bliss. Please continue to find your bliss, as we collect your check and lie to your face.

That fannypack looks great on you.

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