Today, Trogoldyte homemakers, we will focus on throwing a successful dinner party. Nothing is more satisfying as a hostess than to see eight to ten creatures noisily gnawing on your carefully prepared meal around the fire ring. The grunts and the slurping sounds of pleasure, the snaggletoothed smiles between mouthfuls, the sweet licking of splatters off each other! All are the nonverbal signs of delight that reward the hostess! However, it takes toil and trouble to earn this. A hostess is a busy gal before, during, and after the soiree!

First of all, you need to draw up a congenial guest list. Remember: it’s not really what’s in your guests’ greasy hands, but who’s in the dirt around your fire! This is not the time to try to reconcile old tiffs. Don’t invite Glug if you are having his former mate Praki who dumped him for that Neanderthal with the wheel! Don’t invite the two males who both claimed the hooved carcass! Do keep your guest list to those you know who do not break into violence easily.

Second, pick a menu that you can accomplish successfully. Now is not the time to try that intriguing but complex mammal organs-and-shrub stew. Try it on the family first! Choose a dish you’ve prepared before and can serve with a flourish, perhaps my famous Burnt Mammoth Kabobs on a bed of ragweed?

Be sure to ascertain your guests’ dietary restrictions and needs well beforehand. Okluh can’t eat any bark or leaves, for example. Syx hates pterodactyl. Hrka always throws up burned river-swimming things. Keep it simple by making something all can digest without ugly bodily functions.

Here’s the fun part of planning: pick a theme for your bash! Beach Party? An Evening on the Volcano’s Rim? Or perhaps a celebration of someone’s life event? Welcome Back to Flig’s Eyebrows So Painfully Singed Off Last Year—funny reminiscences are a real ice-breaker! Welcome Onki Newly Ejected from Pinx tribe over the mountain because of her slothful ways and scary teeth! Congrats Makuk on the body eruption of her tiny unnamed spawn! Themes like these can help pull your soiree together!

Always do as much as you can before the big day. Tidy the cave. Paint a few new hunting and gathering scenes on the wall, perhaps incorporating portraits of your guests! Have your Mammoth on the skewer over the crackling fire as your guests wander into your cave. Make sure that your Scree & Rubble salad is tossed and dressed with the pressed Archaeopteryx gizzard dressing!

And don’t forget some thoughtful amenities! A few choice rocks for off-ground seating perhaps, bota bags of water at every other place, and a large pointed stick at every single place for those nasty but unavoidable intrusions by hungry and vicious animals and loose children! The great hostess thinks of everything before it happens!

At last, greet your guests at the entrance with a signature cocktail. You might try my own favorite, the Smelly Stump Water Eucalyptus Fizz (free recipe on my cave wall) or a simple Rotten Fruit Squash Grog, stomped by your own feet and served in your best shells!

The most important point to remember is to relax and enjoy your own party! If you’re happy, your guests will be happy. Ignore the spills, bodily noises and smells, the invariable threats and squabbles, fire outbreaks, and bleeding. A good hostess takes it all in stride and glows with pride after her hard-earned successful evening!