Paleo and keto. Whole30 and The Atkins Diet. Veganism and pastafarianism. Do you ever look around at today's fad diets, and think to yourself: man, those are just too easy to follow? I sure did. And that's why I created The 52-Ingredient Diet, the weight-loss program where preparing any single item of food takes so long, you'll give up before you finish making anything you're actually allowed to eat.

It's simple: if a recipe involves fewer than 52 ingredients, you're not allowed to eat it. Same thing if it takes fewer than 83 steps or five hours to prepare. And every recipe must include at least one obscure item you can't find at your regular grocery store. Or on Amazon.

Instead, you'll have to traipse across town to that health food store where everything is sold in bulk from old-fashioned wooden barrels like you're in the general store from Little House on the Prairie, spend an hour looking for it, then give up and ask the clerk for help, only to have her tell you that you're pronouncing the name wrong and also that you can't buy it unless you brought your own bag. Which you didn't.

I believe that when you take shortcuts, you're only cutting your own health short. So on the 52-Ingredient Diet, nothing's quick and nothing's easy. You want butter? Better get out the churner. But not before you move to Amish country, convert, buy a farm, buy some cows, milk those cows, and pasteurize that milk. By the time you're done, you'll be like: “I don't even want this on my toast anymore.” And also: “Maybe I should settle down with Eli Yoder. All these Amish women seem to be in pretty good shape.”

The great thing is that this program isn't about restrictions. Technically, you can have any kind of food you're craving. Even pizza! Just plant some wheat, wait seven to eight months, harvest the wheat, grind that wheat into flour, use that flour to make pizza dough, book a flight to Italy, pick some ripe tomatoes, fly back home, return to the Amish to get some milk from your cows to turn it into cheese, then realize your pizza dough over-proofed while you were in Italy and start back at square one.

Of course, this is still a diet, so some things are off-limits. Restaurant food is a no-go. Same with readymade store-bought food. This includes, but is not limited to: grains, fruits, vegetables, red meats, lean meats, nut butters, replacement nut butters, dairy products, non-dairy products , and basically anything you can eat without hours of arduous preparation.

And don't even think about hiring one of those meal-prep services. The point is you have to do all the work yourself. Which you never actually will.

It's kind of like a month-long fast, except you're burning extra calories starting all these recipes you'll never have the mental energy, physical stamina or culinary wherewithal to finish. As a bonus, your frustration over sourcing ingredients and mastering intricate cooking techniques will distract you from the insatiable, gnawing hunger in your gut. Win-win!

To help you get started, I'm selling an exclusive book with in-depth instructions, a comprehensive FAQ section, and hundreds of recipes compliant with The 52-Ingredient Diet program. It's two thousand pages long, and you have to read the whole thing before you get started. Also, it's not sold online or in any bookstores near you.

But don't worry , once you're ready to change your life with this groundbreaking diet, all you have to do is travel across the country and find our pop-up bookshop. The location changes every week, we don't have regular hours, you can't make an appointment, and there's never any parking.

See you soon!

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