All right, millennials, it’s time to learn how to save some money. The first step is to get rid of frivolous expenses. For instance, how much do you spend on Instagram, on the Facebook, and on Twitter? Cut those amounts in half.

Next up? Stop buying lattes! Instead of buying a latte, deposit $5,000 in an IRA. Do that every single day and within less than a year you’ll have nearly a million dollars! I bet a million dollars tastes better than wasting your money on a bunch of dumb lattes, doesn’t it?

“But I NEED those lattes,” I hear you whining via snapchat or AIM or whatever new “app” you use. “They are a small thing I enjoy during the day.” Well, do you know a small thing I enjoy each day? Having a million dollars. That’s all the jolt I need to keep me moving throughout the day (also I drink free coffee from work). Remember: the name of the game is saving money, and the way to win the game is saving money.

How much are you paying for health insurance? Don’t! Ask your employer to pay for that instead! Do you work part-time or freelance? In that case, ask your employer nicely, and they will be only too happy to oblige.

Speaking of freelancing, stop. Get a real job. Me? For the past 30 years I’ve been something called an “Executive VP” at a company owned by my father-in-law. You can’t get money without a job, millennials, unless you expect some sort of “magical socialism fairy” to give it to you for free.

That’s how you save. Hope you added all of that to your notes app or tattooed it across your calf, or however it is you remember because that was just phase one.

Phase two: now that you’ve got some money, and I mean real money, not a cryptocurrency or candy crushes or non-gendered pronouns, I mean real Uncle Sam cashola, you’re ready for the next step: start investing wisely. Ask some of your billionaire friends what they invest in, and then short those stocks. That way, if your friends fail, you’ll make money. And if they succeed, then you’ll lose money, but your friends will have more money and be able to support you. So it’s a win-win.

Money begets money, millennials. That’s straight from the Bible. Example: use your house as collateral to buy a second house! Two houses are enough collateral to buy four houses! Four houses become sixteen houses. Simple! Soon, you will have all the houses in the universe! It’s so easy, so obvious. Why aren’t you using your houses as collateral, millennials? You’re not living in those houses, you’re living in cramped studio apartments an hour and a half away from your jobs because you think it’s “cool,” but you know what’s really cool? Garage door openers! Why are millennials killing the garage door opener industry?

Finally, and I can’t scream this at the inept people making me a salad often enough, or loudly enough, but stop using expensive yacht-cleaning services more than you need to! A yacht can go, literally, a week without a full cleaning with very few ill effects.

These are all just small things, I realize, but remember that those small things can add up to having more money. Soon you’ll go from a MILL-ennial to a MILL-ionare. Get it? Okay, hold on, I’m just about to get to the spa. Stop transcribing and send message. No, send message. Where’s parking? Send message. Are there parking spots for Teslas here, or do I have to park next to the ordinary garbage cars? Wait. Stop transcribing and send. SEND. S-E-N-D

—sent from my iPhone 13XL-S-Diamond. Excuse any typos.

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