Default Voice

Calm, adult, friendly, unflappable. If you miss a turn, the voice smoothly recalculates and redirects without missing a beat. When you reach your destination, the voice stops talking.

Irritable Parent

“I SAID, turn right. Am I doing this for my health? You wanted to get to 1862 Forestway Boulevard North, not me, so LISTEN, because I’m not going to tell you again. Turn RIGHT! … Oh, for fuck’s sake. Now I have to fix your mess. Take the exit. Do you suppose you can do that? Take the exit! I swear I’m going to leave you right here in the middle of nowhere. I mean it. Just try me.”

Female. A favorite of people raised by strict parents.

Superior, Cynical, Sardonic

Knows it’s the smartest one in the car. Has been everywhere and was bored by most of it. Inevitably male.

“You’re headed to Pittsburgh? My condolences. Most people head *away* from Pittsburgh, but if you insist. Stay on the interstate for 46 miles. It’ll be dull, but that’ll prepare you for Pittsburgh. I suppose you’re a student. Just what the world needs, another fresh-faced young hopeful with a Carnegie-Mellon sweatshirt and a dream. Take my advice. Skip the Mount Washington incline. It goes up; it comes down. Oh the excitement. Better yet, skip everything and go to Baltimore. That’s boring too, but at least you’re closer to the edge of the country. Oh, fuck. You should have turned left back there. My bad.”

Often chosen by people who affect an interest in oenology and/or plan to live in Manhattan as soon as they make enough money to leave Cincinnati.

Therapist

Soothing, supportive. She understands.

“Turn right on Mulberry Street. Oops! You missed Mulberry, but don’t worry. Just turn right on Curtis … okay, Montrose, then. Montrose is fine. Now turn right again on Park. Or Kelly; Kelly works too. No need to apologize. You’ve got this. Okay, here we are on Mulberry. Turn left. No, honey, left. Just turn around in the first driveway. Ignore that ‘No Turnarounds' sign; you’re okay. That’s it. Now you’re back on track. Good for you! Have a sip of coffee as a well-earned reward!”

Popular with people who don’t know left from right.

Fourteen-Year-Old Daughter

Wants to be looking at her phone, embarrassed to have to tell her parent things that are so obvious. Audible eye rolls.

“OMG, I can’t believe you can’t find Chicago without help. How do you, like, locate those coffee shops you love so much? All right, turn left. Turn left, turn left, turn left! Jeez, you want me to help and then you’re just like ‘la-di-da-di-da!’ All right, get on here. Get on! On the thing here! The freeway thing, the slanty part, whatever it is. I can’t even drive yet; how should I know what it’s called? Alls I know is, you have to go this way for 56 miles and then bear right.”

Popular among masochists and young people, who consider it hilarious.

Child

“Mom? Mom? Mom? Turn right at this corner, Mom, okay? Pleasepleasepleaseplease turn right, Mom, okay? And then go straight for a whole long time until we get to a McDonald’s on your side and a place with a lot of motorcycles and a sign that says … “Bah … bah … BAR!” on Daddy’s side. Then turn onto a road that starts with C. Cuh. Cuh. Corgan Road? No, wait. Cuh-ih. Cuh-ih. CORRIGAN Road! It’s back there! Hurry, turn around and go down it, okay, Mom? Mom?”

Thanks to technology, this app can be offered in your own child’s actual voice. Grandparents love it. Makes a great gift.

Far-Right Pundit

“Look, I can get you to Atlanta. I know all the best routes, okay? I know the highways you want to avoid, where the crazies are everywhere, looking for their chance to cut you off and claim insurance for their junkers. If they’re lucky, the cops won’t find the drugs under the floorboards. These BLM thugs always hide drugs under the floorboards. What’s so great about Atlanta, anyway? It’s full of left-wing activists disguised as journalists and students and antifa terrorists. But I can get you to Atlanta. First, you need to get to 270.”

This voice is popular among some people. If you don’t know why, it’s impossible to explain. If you do know, no explanation is necessary.

Porn Star

Breathy. Weird background music.

“Oh… oh! Turn left. Yes, yes, left! More left! Yes, like that. Yes! Keep doing that for– oh! — 15 miles. Yes! Oh, take this exit. Take it hard! I love it when you take it hard. Then turn right. Oh yes, yes, yes! You have reached– oh!– your destination.”

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