On boring nights and pointless days, I find myself browsing on MySpace. I really don’t even know what I am looking for most of the time. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a nice large pair of breasts. Sometimes, I just look for the weirdest people I can find, comparing them to myself and how much better I am than them. But over the past few months, after looking at thousands of profiles, I have noticed certain patterns.
The first pattern is that I have way too much fucking time on my hands and am on my computer over 5 hours a day. But the second and more important pattern is the overwhelming amount of 16-20 year old girls that have accounts on MySpace. I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous. They all adorn the same butterfly and heart background, with the same stupid ass quotes from Garden State and the same fucking Keith Urban song.
I am tired of having to look through all of this shit just to see a nip slip or an exposed ass cheek.
And that brings me to the point of this article. I am going to attempt to interpret some of the common characteristics that are present in almost every 16-20 year old girl’s MySpace profile.
|=||I love myself more than anyone else.|
|I really look like a caterpillar.|
|=||I am a greedy prostitute.|
|=||I hate white people.|
|=||I hate black people.|
|=||I spread my legs after two Smirnoffs.|
|=||I spread my legs after three Smirnoffs.|
|=||My shits stink.|
|? oh I wonder what God was thinkin when he created you, i wonder if he knew everything I would need, because he made all my dreams come true, when God made you he must of been thinking about me ?||=||I have no personality of my own, so I cling to my boyfriend who will say he loves me if I give him head. Oh yeah, God is neat.|
|*God Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle*||
|I am a fucking idiot.|
|I'M NO GIRL NEXT DOOR I'M THE BITCH DOWN THE STREET||=||I'll take a dump in your toilet and I won't flush.|
|Y0u kn0w y0u want !t b0y, d0nt @ct lik3 y0u d0nt [email protected] !t b0y, ! [email protected] !t JUST @s [email protected] @s y0u d0||=||I have epilepsy.|
|Die knowing You lived Your life on Your Knees||=||I swallow and ask for seconds. Or I pray a lot. Whatever works.|
|AMY!!!||THAT'S MY NAME!!!|
Then there are these things called “personality profiles.” You put your name into a program and it supposedly generates your personality characteristics. Bra-fucking-vo.
How to Make a Jenny
|3 parts competitiveness
1 part humor
3 parts leadership
|=||3 parts sluttiness
1 part fake tan
3 parts annoying
|Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lustfulness if desired!||
|Beat with a rock at high speed for 2 hours. Add a little fucking brain if desired!|