By Michael Curtiss

On boring nights and pointless days, I find myself browsing on MySpace. I really don’t even know what I am looking for most of the time. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a nice large pair of breasts. Sometimes, I just look for the weirdest people I can find, comparing them to myself and how much better I am than them. But over the past few months, after looking at thousands of profiles, I have noticed certain patterns.

The first pattern is that I have way too much fucking time on my hands and am on my computer over 5 hours a day. But the second and more important pattern is the overwhelming amount of 16-20 year old girls that have accounts on MySpace. I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous. They all adorn the same butterfly and heart background, with the same stupid ass quotes from Garden State and the same fucking Keith Urban song.

I am tired of having to look through all of this shit just to see a nip slip or an exposed ass cheek.

And that brings me to the point of this article. I am going to attempt to interpret some of the common characteristics that are present in almost every 16-20 year old girl’s MySpace profile.


= I love myself more than anyone else.


I really look like a caterpillar.
= I am a greedy prostitute.
= I hate white people.
= I hate black people.
= I spread my legs after two Smirnoffs.
= I spread my legs after three Smirnoffs.
= My shits stink.


? oh I wonder what God was thinkin when he created you, i wonder if he knew everything I would need, because he made all my dreams come true, when God made you he must of been thinking about me ? = I have no personality of my own, so I cling to my boyfriend who will say he loves me if I give him head. Oh yeah, God is neat.
*God Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle*


I am a fucking idiot.
I'M NO GIRL NEXT DOOR I'M THE BITCH DOWN THE STREET = I'll take a dump in your toilet and I won't flush.
Y0u kn0w y0u want !t b0y, d0nt @ct lik3 y0u d0nt [email protected] !t b0y, ! [email protected] !t JUST @s [email protected] @s y0u d0 = I have epilepsy.
Die knowing You lived Your life on Your Knees = I swallow and ask for seconds. Or I pray a lot. Whatever works.

Then there are these things called “personality profiles.” You put your name into a program and it supposedly generates your personality characteristics. Bra-fucking-vo.

How to Make a Jenny

3 parts competitiveness
1 part humor
3 parts leadership
= 3 parts sluttiness
1 part fake tan
3 parts annoying
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lustfulness if desired!


Beat with a rock at high speed for 2 hours. Add a little fucking brain if desired!