The MLB needs me. They need me badly. The owners and players of the MLB have yet to come to an agreement on beginning this year’s season. Time might be running out for them to make a deal. But this is where I sense an opportunity.

I’ll play.

I’ll play for all 30 teams.

Just me, no one else.

Why do I want to do this? It’s simple.

I need a job.

It’s been a struggle for me to find a job after graduating college. I have a degree in advertising, but it appears that my mistake was not majoring in professional baseball.

I should’ve listened to my parents. They both told me to major in baseball. They thought advertising was a pipe dream that only very few people make it in. They said things like, “Listen Steven Peeler, our son, most people can’t name someone who works in advertising, but almost everyone can name a professional baseball player. This is an easy decision. Goodnight. Talk to you next month.”

They’re so wise.

I can think of no better first job out of college than playing in the MLB. Great pay, fame, and most of the time you’re standing around and not doing anything. It’s not that different from what I’m doing right now.

I want my resume to say “Steven Peeler: Former Professional Baseball Player.” It's a powerful statement. Not that many people can say that. And not a single person can say they played for every team. This will show employers that I’m an avid traveler, with a sense for adventure. It will simultaneously show them that I am a winner, but also that I’m great at overcoming adversity. Because I will have won and lost every game.

How would I do this you ask? Simple. I would toss the ball to myself at the plate, and then decide how good the hit was. If I was satisfied with the hit, I’ll run the bases and score. If I wasn’t, I will hit a button that will flash this text on the scoreboard:

“Steven, we regret to inform you that we have decided to move forward with another batter. We appreciate you taking the time to hit, and wish you the best of luck in your future plate appearances. Sincerely, baseball.”

There will have to be some drama too. I can easily have myself be hit by a pitch, causing me to then charge the mound and have a fake fight with myself. Obviously, I will be ejected from the game. But don’t worry, I’ll replace myself by putting on a fake mustache and wearing a hat that says “Don’t mind me, I’m just a regular, everyday baseball player. I’m totally not that loser who just got ejected. If you would like, I can show you my birth certificate. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s my turn to bat. Have a nice day!”

I think the most fun I can have though, is it get myself into an imaginary pickle. This will involve me trying to steal second base, but then quickly realizing that I am about to be tagged out, so I just run back and forth by myself between first and second base. This is where I will truly shine. As an aspiring actor, I will play all the parts in this scenario. Not only will I play myself as the runner, I’ll also play the infielders trying to get me out. Here’s a rough draft of how that script would play out:

Shortstop: “Hey runner, is it ok if I tag you?”

Runner: “Thanks for asking, friendly shortstop. But I’d rather not be tagged at this time. I’m going to run back over to first base.”

Shortstop: “I appreciate your honesty. You’re an outstanding citizen.”

If I hit a home run or a foul ball, the game is over. I’m not going into the stands to retrieve the ball. I don’t have time for that. (I also think this is should be a rule in actual baseball.)

Watching me play baseball against myself everyday for a few months would be must see television. I think I could single handedly make up almost all of the revenue that baseball has lost so far this year. (I’ve said this every year for the last decade, but this year it’s actually true.)

At the end of the day, it’s a simple story. A young man wants to be the only player in a professional sports league. It’s a story as old as time. All I’m asking for, is a chance.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look up what a bunt is.


And now a quick joke...

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?