Al was a male between the ages of 27 and 35 who enjoyed retro-style clothing and framed posters of movie ephemera. Yet Al will no longer tap, he will no longer redeem. He has swiped all the way up, off this mortal coil. I can’t help but think Al departed this world with so much left in his shopping cart, like Office Man Boots and “Extra Wormy” artisanal Mezcal.

Judging by how few followers he had, I probably knew him best. I remember one Thursday night, a night where he could take 15% OFF, I was wondering if he wanted some food delivery. Since he had enjoyed India Delight, I felt as though he might like Kitchen India Grill or maybe Mumbai House. Both are highly regarded restaurants with an average of 4½ stars and 2,049 ratings. But instead he ordered Burrito Chateau! He even left a review to help others find their perfect meal. He was always compassionate…

It’s the little things I’ll remember about Al. How I would whisper “Sponsored” when I saw him. How I used to track him after he left. How his spending habits compared within his highly specific consumer demographic algorithm.

I recall one afternoon Al looked at a blue knit sweater for an entire three minutes and thirteen seconds. That was significant, especially for those of us who knew his Click-through Rate (CTR). I made sure to show him that cerulean top everywhere he went: whether he was reading on his laptop about how “all-female reboots” should be called “sheboots” or if he was scrolling through videos of gassy dogs on his phone. I can only guess that on his deathbed one of the many impressions of that sweater flashed before his eyes.

Al and I used to have long chats about freezing his eggs. I’m not sure if he shared his computer with his girlfriend but we agreed that he shouldn’t allow his “productive years” to get in the way of his “reproductive years”. Now what will happen to all of his eggs?

He is survived by his other account which documented funny street signs.

Thank you, and remember to get a cheaper and more sustainable burial plot by using promo code “CantWinThemAl” at checkout.

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