Yes, the rumors are true.
My dad is a Black Mirror episode.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What do you mean your dad is a Black Mirror episode? You mean he’s, like, an actor in one of the episodes?” Sadly, this isn’t the case. While I wish my dad was a loving, three-dimensional human with a successful acting career, I’m forced to admit that he’s merely a three-act structure narrative titled “Clothing Incorporated”.
And before you “Mirrorheads” say anything, yes, I’m aware that none of the streaming episodes of Black Mirror are titled “Clothing Incorporated.” There’s a good reason for that. My dad cannot be found on Netflix because he’s currently preparing to premiere in the upcoming sixth season of the show as episode three, with guest star Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Nelson Clothes, the CEO of Clothing Inc.
As you might expect, my dad is incredibly excited about this new chapter in his life. He’s been preparing for it for almost 50 years. The rest of the family, however, has bittersweet feelings; once he’s released on Netflix, we’ll have to say goodbye to him forever.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of my dad. But despite his inherent absence in my life, mostly due to him being 47 minutes of British television programming and not an actual human being, I’m still going to miss having a father figure in my life. Who will be there to guide me when I’m confronted with life’s biggest questions like: “What jobs should I apply to?” and “How do I break it to my girlfriend that her father-in-law isn’t so much a living person as he is a riveting storyline with a star-studded cast?”
Sure, my dad never taught me how to shave, or fish, or play sports, or talk to girls, or talk in general, but he was always there for me. Growing up, I could always ask for 47 minutes of his running time, and he would give me a harrowing tale about an alternate universe where clothes have Wi-Fi.
And while he never helped me with my homework or cheered me up when the cool kids at school bullied me, he always had important ethical questions for me to answer. Questions like: “Should clothes have Wi-Fi? And if so, where do we draw the line? What about clothes with 5G wireless technology? Should Nelson Clothes forgive his ex-wife for cheating on him with that lady robot?”
I know some of you will never believe that my biological father is quite literally an episode of an Emmy Award-winning television show. And I’m okay with that. But for the rest of you, I have one favor to ask. When you’re sitting on your couch, watching “Clothing Incorporated”, take a second to remind yourself that you’re not just watching an episode of a television show centered on a dystopian near-future where shirts have FaceTime and people watch YouTube videos on vests. You’re watching my dad, fulfilling his purpose. Tell him I said hello, and thanks for everything.