Because I have the world’s best memory (everybody says so!), I never, ever lose my car keys. It just doesn’t happen. Period.

This morning, though, I woke up and couldn’t find them anywhere.

There’s only one logical explanation: Hilary Clinton.

Now, I know that Hilary is not the president. She’s a 60-something-year-old grandmother and a private citizen, and I’ve personally never met her before. But I watch the #real news, and I know how things are in the #real world. And I can say, without a shred of doubt, that all my answers will be found in Crooked Hillary’s missing emails.

Hillary Clinton personally hates me because I have an American flag outside my house.

I mean, if she can manage a preteen sex trafficking ring from the back of a New York pizza parlor, what’s to stop her from sending her SJWs into my house and stealing the keys to my 2004 Honda Civic? After all, she probably hates that I drive an all-American car like a Honda, because she wants the domestic auto industry to fail since she hates America. That’s why she ran for president anyway, right? To take the country down and send all our fracking overseas.

In short, we know that Hillary is capable of stealing my car keys, especially in light of the revelations that she single-handedly sold nuclear weapons to the Russians in order for them to make everyone think she won the popular vote even though she didn’t. Basically, nothing is too despicable for Crooked Hillary.

The question, then, becomes why? Why would this monster of a human being have her cronies sneak into my house and steal my car keys?

Well, it’s the same reason why she undermined the healthcare bill: because I’m a religious, high-school-educated citizen, and she hates me. That’s it.

Hillary Clinton personally hates me because I have an American flag outside my house and I invite my neighbors over for barbecues every Sunday, which is the Lord’s day, thank you very much.

Thankfully, we now have a real everyman as president, a man of the people. If anyone can help me get my car keys back from Crooked Hillary, it's Trump. That is, if all the libtards don't keep getting in his way. Everyone is so busy tearing down statues of Confederate war heroes and recalling all our lawfully purchased tommy guns that our kindhearted, tell-it-like-it-is president can’t get anything done.

Still, though, I have faith that POTUS will triumph over the all-powerful Hillary and bring my keys back from the grave. Because I really need to drive to the unemployment office now, and…

Oh. Nevermind. Just found my keys. Right next to my uranium pile.