Leaving the house looking like a total slob is just as deadly as coronavirus. That’s why my beauty salon is, in fact, essential. Thanks to our governor we’re finally reopening our doors to fix up any unsightly blemishes our loyal customers may have picked up during quarantine. On our journey back to fabulousness we will be safe as hell, acting in accordance with social distancing guidelines.

You are in bad need of a haircut, let me tell you, no matter who you are. We’ll oblige. Our barbers will henceforth take the utmost precaution: they’ll be using six-foot-long scissors. Due to a moratorium on all ribbon-cutting ceremonies, plenty of giant prop scissors are lying around the mayor’s office. One big hunky man per shear, our barbers will work in tandem, backpedaling to open the scissors and heaving forward to snip your locks to perfection. Hold incredibly still while we cut away; we wouldn’t want this place turning into Sweeney Todd’s!

Your face not as radiant as it used to be, before all the doom and gloom of this silly global crisis? Time for some makeup! Our makeup artists will now chuck foundation, eyeliner, you name it, at your face from a safe distance. Our motto was always to treat yourself like a work of art. When we’re done tossing mascara at you like our name is Jackson Pollock, you’ll be ready to be shown in a museum, baby. Let’s just say your face will look more conceptual than the Renaissance. But hey, it’s a new age.

If COVID-19 doesn’t kill you, your split ends surely will. Let’s fix that up with some of our exclusive hair products. Instead of selling you our shampoo in a bottle, we’ll be loading it up in long-range Super Soakers. After we’re done squirting you down, out comes the high-power leaf blower to dry your fresh new hair.

All the perks of coming to a beauty salon will still be here; don’t you worry your pretty little head. We’ll still have our gossip corner for all you chatty Cathys out there. We might have to turn down the heat a bit though. Moving forward, we’re going to try and keep the hardy guffaws and cackles to smirks and judgmental looks so as not to transfer projectile spittle. In achieving this, it is best to limit talk to mild salaciousness. We will no longer accept conversations about neighbors’ affairs or friends’ children committing felonies. Keep news minimally explosive enough to elicit equally minimally explosive reactions.

We know you’re just jonesing for a mani. Well, you’re in for a DIY treat. From afar, we’ll read aloud harrowing statistics and medical advice from expert professionals. The dire reality of the situation will send you into such a severe stress spiral that you’ll compulsively bite at your fingernails as a coping mechanism. When you’re done, spread your fingers like a virus and take a look at your perfectly-filed nails.

You’re ready for your coronavirus makeover.